New Year New Plan

I finally realized that teaching 2 children IS like having a job outside the home. I am a working mother. I need to schedule my life so that I have a chunk of time that I can dedicate to homeschooling and not feel pulled by my other responsibilities. This requires a little help from the rest of my family. They are simply gonna have to pitch in more than they have in the past. I am not the only one who lives in this house, why should I be the only one to clean it? And I don't generate all that laundry - there are others who can help out.

So my plan for the new year is to get my family to help me take care of the house. I'm having a hard time getting a lot of "buy-in" from the other members of the family, however. Imagine that! They liked the old system where they tossed their dirty clothes in the general vicinity of the hamper and the Laundry Fairy magically caused their clothes to appear clean and folded in their dressers. They liked it when they could spit giagantic wads of unused toothpaste into the sink and then leave them there...and then the Sanitizing Fairy would come through with a spunge and some 409 to whip things into shape. They think its gross to wash out sinks....funny how it doesn't bother them to leave gross jobs for someone else.

So round these parts its "Good bye Cleaning Fairy." and "Hello, Chore Nazi."

Disconnected

So I lost my pictures when my laptop crashed. I've got some on a online web album, and my husband recovered all the pictures that are over 1.5 years old from our old computer. But still so many of the pictures of Baby's first months are lost. Among them, is a picture of her with her birth dad. I could KICK myself for not backing things up. So if you have any pictures of us in the last year or so send 'em to me. PLEAZZZE

Also, my contact list is gone. I don't even know my mom and dad's email addresses. The addresses just popped in after I started to type the first few letters so I never bothered to commit them to memory. So Mom, Dad, I love you, I just cannot contact you via the world wide web until you email me first.

Utterly Dependent

Wednesday, my laptop crashed. I was so lost. How did I get to be so dependent on my computer? It's sort of pathetic really...I think I had withdrawl symptoms. We use our computer to:

-pay bills
-balance our accounts
-rent movies
-check email
-renew library books
-schedule our lives
-get music and podcasts
-teach my children spelling, phonics and math facts
-communicate with the kid's school
-make appointments
-check healthcare coverage
-get recipes
-make shopping lists
-blog
-store and share pictures
-keep contact information
-make to-do lists
-do research
-mapquest stuff
-look up phone numbers
-email
-etc.

What did used to do? Use phonebooks, and daytimers, and radios, and maps and paper? How archaic. Luckily, my brother-in-law is a trainer for Sony Vaio. He hooked me up, but I'm still missing all my pictures, and stuff on my hard drive. The moral of this story is back-up, back-up , back-up.

Another Wacky Recipe from the Crunchy Side

With the exception of today, which is Christmas, I have been eating low-fat health food in hopes of losing a few pounds. But a girl cannot live on broccoli alone. So I found a recipe that allows me a chocolate fix and is relatively healthy. This one makes my mac and cheese recipe look normal, so brownie purist stop reading now. Here goes:

Chocolate Bean Brownies

1 can rinsed, drained black beans ( or white) pureed in a blender
3 eggs or 3/4 c. egg beaters
3 T. oil
4 T cocoa
pinch of salt
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2-3/4 c. sweetener ( I used 1/2 c. Agave Nectar, and 1/4 c. dark brown sugar)

Mix ingredients and poor into a 8x8 greased cake pan. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes.

I did mess with this recipe a tad, and I think I improved it somewhat. Here are my alterations:

I added:
1/4 c. GF flour blend
1/2 tsp. xanthum gum
1 tsp. baking power
1/4 tsp. baking soda
Chocolate chips sprinkled on top

Notes: If you're not gluten intolerant leave out the xanthum and just use "normal" flour. Agave looks like honey, and is made from the tequila plant. It is really low on the Glycemic Index, and doesn't mess with blood sugar. You can buy it at Vitamin Cottage next to the honey.

My kids loved these, they had no idea they were healthy. If your feeling brave give 'em a try.

Everlasting Father

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Baby has two fathers. One is her biological father, and one is her daddy. The difference could not be more profound.

Baby's biological father supplied the DNA, but when he found out that she existed he did nothing, for months. Even now the effort he has made to see his daughter borders on the ridiculous.

Then there is Eddie, Baby's daddy. Months before he knew of her existence my husband began to prepare for Baby's arrival. He allowed social workers into our home, to examine it. He opened up his life to a home study and completed hours of training. And when he got the call that Baby needed a home he dropped everything, and we went to get her. 5 hours after we learned she was alive we made her our own.

The nurses who discharged Baby into our care told us that Baby didn't like to eat. Did that ever turn out to be an understatement. Baby had a very uncoordinated suck. Eating was difficult for her, and we spent those first few days just trying to get her to eat enough to keep her alive. The doctors said we might have to consider a feeding tube. Thankfully, we avoided this by working with a therapist to teach baby how to suck swallow and breathe in the proper order.

When Baby was 5 weeks old she got a horrible blood infection. Her life was in the balance. One of the most powerful images of my life is of my husband rocking Baby at Children's Hospital. She was pale and bruised; she had tubes and cables attached to her in several places. He held her carefully on her side and helped her pace her breathing so that she could drink her bottle. Baby was so little and frail. Eddie, with dark circles under his eyes, was determined to do whatever it took to make sure his little girl made it. What tender care. What sacrifice.

There is nothing quite like adoption to shift ones paradigm for understanding God's love. I understand the Father Heart of a God so much better after seeing what it has cost my husband to love Baby. But the thing is, I am sure Eddie doesn't see it that way. Baby is his daughter; he loves her, he doesn't consider the cost. To him she is infinitely worth it.

Jesus. Everlasting Father. Abba. Now I know what it looks like to be chosen and dearly loved. I have seen it in the way my husband rocks his baby girl to sleep every night. She is not of his body. But she is his, wholly, and forever. And soon Baby will bear the name of her Daddy, just as I bear the name of my heavenly father.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
"And he shall be called Everlasting Father" has new meaning this season.

Bizarre Cooking - A healthy mac and cheese recipe

The time has come for me to lose the baby fat. So I am dieting, and working out again. I decided to do Body for Life after all. I needed a plan, and that was a plan. Besides, it worked before, and as they say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

I got my body fat measured at the health club Monday. I have an impressive 30% body fat, and am teetering on the edge of being officially overweight. I also took some "before" pictures of myself. All I can say is, "EWWWW"! I will do you the favor of not posting those pictures. The trainer dude worked the arithmetic; if I want to be at a healthy 21% body fat that means I've got to lose 15lbs and gain 3lbs in lean body mass (aka muscle). This is doable. Unfortunately, it does take discipline, and lots of exercise. Yesterday I was so sore I could barely walk.

I guess denial is no place to live, but it does have its perks. Cookies, for example. Here in Realityville I've been eating a lot more vegetables, and while I do like veggies, they simply are not as good as cookies, or lattes, or buttery toast, or brownies, or nachos.

One of my very favorite comfort foods is macaroni and cheese. Macaroni and Cheese has tons of fat and cholesterol, and very little nutritional value. Plus, I'm lactose intolerant. If I eat Mac and Cheese I pay. So I have concocted a yummy, seriously dairy reduced version that beats the craving and is pretty dang healthy. It's a little weird, so hold on. (also I cook by feel so this recipe is an approximation and can handle being tampered with)

1-2 tsp. olive oil
1 T. corn starch
1 c. water
1 cube of GF chicken bullion
1/2 c. cauliflower puree
1/4 c. carrot puree
1/4-1/2 c. reduced fat cheese - shredded
Salt and pepper to taste (you can also experiment with adding garlic, or spicy mustard, or balsamic vinegar)

Cook pasta while making sauce. Heat oil, and add corn starch. Stir. Slowly add 1 c. H2O and bullion cube. Stir on medium heat until bullion is dissolved and mixture thickens. Then, stir in purees and bring to a slow boil. Remove mix from heat and stir in cheese, till melted. Season to taste. Pour over cooked, drained (and in my case GF) pasta.

The Difference Between Hubby and Me

Here is an intimate view into our lives. This is our walk in closet. The top picture is of Hubby's side. Note that his hangers are uniformly arranged about 1.5 inches apart and the shirts are color coordinated from green to blue. My side is a big less "structured". Okay, so the stuff barely made it on to hangers...I prefer to call it artistic rather then messy.

My Girls

Homeschool Video

This is my life.

http://www.doublesharpevideo.com:80/HomeSchool2/Homeschool2.html

A Love Story:The Guy who was Never the Man of My Dreams

When I met my husband I was dating someone else. I was unavailable - in theory. I also had visions of someday marrying a man who was tall, dark and handsome - naturally. I thought he'd be a professional, or a guy I'd meet in grad school. I thought he'd be at least five years older than me and a spiritual giant.

My husband had blond hair. And a beard. He was a jock - of all things. I had definitely not planned on a jock. When I met him, my husband's faith was brand new. It was authentic, but we are not talking spiritual giant material here. And he was from rural New Mexico; he spoke English with a Spanish inflection! SO NOT MY TYPE!

Despite my best intentions, I was attracted to him - very attracted to him. The thing about jocks, particularly those of the ex-track star variety, is they tend to have very nice legs. It must have been a God ordained thing, because I even found his beard kinda sexy and his tacky t-shirt amusing. I've always been one to thumb my nose at the notion of love at first sight. I think I am still a bit of a cynic, but there was something...some connection, some attraction, and it was mutual.

But more than that annoying physical attraction I was impressed with the man. Particularly, I watched how my future hubby treated his friend, Cindy. I knew Cindy was "just a friend"; there were no ulterior motives. And, unbelievably, Cutie Pie treated his friend with respect. He opened doors for her. He listened to her. He was generally respectful, and gentlemanly. And it wasn't just Cindy, I started to notice, he treated everybody that way. Whatta ya know a genuinely nice guy?

When I was in college the vogue thing to do was to go swing dancing. I, occasionally, went with my boyfriend, El Creepo. I always felt like my arms were coming out of their sockets when I danced with him. He jerked me around and, had I the wherewithal to define it, I would have said dancing with El Creepo was a pretty good metaphor for the relationship in general. Lots of jerking around. Lots of disrespect.

Then I danced with my Cutie Pie. Guess what! He knew how to dance. He was good. And never once did I feel like I was being jerked around the dance floor. Never once. He led me with confidence, and strength, and gentleness. Dancing with him made me look good. Now I do have the wherewithal to define it, and I'd say dancing with with that tall blond man all those years ago is a pretty good metaphor for our relationship now. (Can you tell I am still smitten?)

My self-confidence was pretty bruised up after my too long relationship with El Creepo. And though I'd never recommend dating on the rebound, it worked for me. My Cutie Pie restored my hope in men, and he loved away so many of my insecurities.

He was never a Boy Scout growing-up, but if ever there were a Boy Scout at heart it would be my husband. I remember going climbing with Cutie Pie and a couple of friends shortly after I met him. I sustained an injury. I got a really really big splinter. Cutie Pie, always prepared, whipped out his first aid kit and performed surgery on my hand right there. My hero. Always prepared, and capable. To this day the kids go to him with their injuries. Mommy can kiss it, but Daddy makes it better.

If you know me at all you know that I can be....dippy. I'm really pretty smart, but sometimes I can be an astounding ditz. I've come to accept this about myself, though I sometimes still get irked at how distractable I can be. Hubby, aka Cutie Pie, is grounded. He's capable, and strong. He is not particularly imaginative, or introspective. (okay he's not even a little introspective). I can spend an entire day with my head in the clouds; Hubby gets stuff done. He is so different than me, and so not the man of my dreams. But ours is a match made in heaven. I am a better, more whole me, for having been loved by him.

So to quote the corn ball 1950's song, "Cherished is the word." And I am the luckiest girl in the world.

A Photo Documentary

It has come to my attention that some of my readers would like to see more pictures on my blog. So in an effort to please my adoring public, yesterday I documented my life via digital camera. I'm not claiming that this would make it on National Geographic, but a picture is worth a thousand words...




This is a picture of my 3 oldest kids getting ready to play in the snow. Don't they look cute...they were outside for all of 5 minutes before someone got snow in their glove and had to come in to warm up.



This is a picture of my kitchen table a few minutes after I got breakfast cleaned up. Already it has turned into a studio for creating birthday cards. Note the discoloration on the far side of the table, this is from when my kids created unsanctioned permanent marker art and my husband tried to clean it off with a bleach solution. (not recommended)



I was sweeping the floor and discovered where all the rest of our card game was. Apparently, it's easier to shove cards under the furniture rather than pick them up. The guilty party has not been apprehended.

We invested in a quality Fisher Price Nativity Set. Mary is recovering in the foreground from a concussion as the camel has recently gone on a rampage and taken out the sheep, shepherd, 1 wise man and a chicken who escaped from the farm set.

This is our "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree". The only presents under the tree thus far are from E and M; they made a "surprise" gift for Hubby and I. Unfortunately, they neglected to pick up the zillions of small pieces of of construction paper. So I'm pretty sure we will each be receiving a lovely collection of paper snowflakes.


Here is the inside of my chest freezer. On top are little baggies of pureed veggies. I add these to recipes to sneak in veggies. Ironically, under the little baggie of veggies are Tupperware full of Christmas cookies.

Here is the precious baby who generates so much laundry that I can no longer get it done in one day.

My kids are up, and starving...so I'm off to make some oatmeal. Check back later for the newest installment of "A Day in the Life of CurlyJo."

Bubisms

-Bub wanted me to read him the story of Snow White and the Seven Dorks this afternoon. (I think I might like that story better, actually.)

-He continues to call the bone doctor an "ortho-penis". (loudly, in the waiting room, no less.)

-And guacamole is still walk-a-goalie. (this has nothing to do with soccer as far as I can descern.)

-Hubby's receeding hair line is dubbed a mohawk.(too bad Hubby doesn't have a real mohawk, that would be worth seeing. )

- And ever since his New Mexico grandparents visited he distingishes between his 2 grandpa's by calling them the "skinny one" and the "fat one". (I'm not telling which one is which)

That kid is good for a chuckle...he really can be quite naughty ...but he's so dang cute I can't help but love him.

forgot my camera

http://crockershomepage.spaces.live.com/

I forgot my camera Friday night, when we went to Zoo Lights. Luckily, my sister remembered hers. Check out her blog to see the pictures.

Friday's are our Big Days. The two oldest kids go to their OPTIONS school, Bub has a playdate, and I'm either babysitting a ton of little boys, or reaping the rewards of the babysitting swap. Long story short: It was a serious pain to get 4 kids bundled and out the door for Zoo Lights, but it was fun...a memory maker to be sure.

We are done with homeschool until 2008. I told the kids we had the day off, and they're excited to help bake cookies and do Christmasy stuff. Unfortunately, just because we are taking a break from homeschooling doesn't mean that all of my other responsibilities are gone. My pile of laundry is impressive. My wood floors, though swept, are sticky. The social worker is coming Wednesday to re-certify our house. Currently, it is a pig sty. There are child sized hand prints on the mirror in the master bath. I want to know what kid was climbing on the counter in our bathroom and why. Plus there is an appt. for M to get her cavities filled (2).

Then there is the OPTIONS Christmas party at the rec center. I am dreading this event. First off, I've got to wear a bathing suit. Then I've got to take my four kids to the lousy event plus Gluten free food options for the pot-luck. Where are my shirpa's when I need them? Sounds miserable, and I'm not getting out of it. Bah-humbug.

Enough chit-chat...I've got cookies to bake, floors to mop, kids to nag, and Bub needs to be drugged (he's having a bad day, limping around pretty good).

To Excercise or not to Excercise...

There is a brand spankin' new healthclub opening up by our house. It's huge and reportedly very nice. It's got a cafe, and movies playing in the locker room. The best part is that childcare is $15 a month, no matter how many times you go, and no matter how many kids you have. I'm not sure that they realize that we have 4 kids - that's a serious bargain. I like bargains, and so we signed up. Hubby and I joke that we'll be going there for date night. We'll drop the kids off at in daycare, grab a coffee in the cafe and then each of us will go to our respective locker rooms to watch a movie. No work-out necesssary.

Well actually that's not totally accurate. I do need to workout. Its the only way I can go through life un-medicated. Plus there is the 15 lbs. I gained since Baby came home. That's gotta come off. The older I get the easier it is for me to gain weight and the harder it is to lose.

After E was born I did Body for Life( a weight training/cardio/diet plan). It worked great, and in a matter of 12 weeks I was in the best shape of my life and skinnier than when I got pregnant. I was considering trying that again so I checked out the website. The deal with BFL is that they do these challenges where people compete (for cash) to see who has the most radical transformation. The website is jam packed with inspiring before and after pictures. Everyone goes from flabby and saggy to trim, fit and tan (tan fat always looks thinner than white fat). After looking at the before and after pictures I got semi-inspired to do the challenge myself. Who couldn't use an extra 50K? Plus, my current fitness level would make for some fabulous before pictures.

But who are we kidding here? I am the stay-at-home/homeschool mom of 4. Do I really need to look like a super model? Fit and healthy would do. Skinnier would definately be a great, but I don't have to have the body of a 15 year old figure skater. I don't have to win Body for Life to have a body that is just right for my life.

I'm A Mental Health Case

Really, I am. When each of my bio kids were born I struggled with post-partum depression. I thought it was because my hormones were wacked. And I'm sure they were. But now I'm not sure that my struggle with depression has much to do with pregnancy after all. See, when Baby came home I started down the depression path again. Serious sleep deprivation, stress and a hiatis from my excercise routine sent my Seretonin levels on a tail spin. (Seretonin is a neurotransmitter responsible for emotional equalibrium. Seretonin and Endorphins defficiency are what cause depression.)

When I'm getting enough sleep, excercising, eating healthy and there are no major stressors I do okay with out medication. But once these things are disturbed my body defaults into this depressed mode. I can't escape it. It's predictable. The only way out, that I've discovered, is a little pill called an SSRI. It's amazing how a week or two on a little pill will make me feel human again.

I'm a high funtioning depressed person. I've got too many little people depending on me to not get my work done. I internalize, so it usually takes awhile for Hubby to pick up on the cues that I'm struggling with depression. Though the longer we're married the quicker he picks up on the cues that I'm not doing well. And that's important. Sometimes I need someone (who's not me) to name what is going on in my head.

What's depression like? Well if you Google it you'll find lots of technical definintions, but I have my own. Depression is like an emotional migrane. Or maybe it could be described as an enourmous weight tied around my neck. I can still function, but Depression slows me down, and it takes the joy out of life. The focus becomes survival. And because I'm spending so much energy on "keeping it together" my world becomes smaller, and life's little headaches become almost more than I can handle.

Before I struggled with Depression I might have said that Depression is mostly a spiritual problem. Not anymore. Depression, though I suppose it could be triggered by thought patterns or bad decisions, is a chemical problem. I am not a worrier, even when I am depressed. But I still feel anxious. I can be spending time in reading the Bible, but when depression hits the words on the page might as well be Greek. I cannot absorb them.

Now I get frustrated with Christians who don't acknowledge the real physical, chemical component to Depression. Saying, "pray more, or read your Bible, or don't be anxious" are simply not helpful solutions. It's kind of like telling a starving child that he should be in Sunday School. No, first you feed the kid; you get him warm clothes and someplace safe to stay. You care for his physical needs, and once those are met you talk with him about Jesus. Its the same with Depression. First the chemical, physical issues have to be addressed. Then the spirtitual issues (if there are any) can be handled.

I've been hesitant to blog about Depression, partly becuase it's depressing. But also Depression has a certain stigma attached to it. Mental illness is simply seen differently than physical illness. Saying you have Depression is different than saying your cholesterol is too high. It's unfair, but true. I decided to blog about it now, because I'm sure that there are others out there who struggle with depression, or will. I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

O Christmas Tree

Super Heros

Super Heros

Bullet Points

-We finally got approval from Baby's worker to put her in the nursery at church. We tried tonight. She freaked.
-Baby has had no more visits with birth dad. I wonder if he was just curious and wanted to meet her once. I'm glad I got a picture...it may have been the only chance.
-Tomorrow we are going to the National Forest to cut down our Christmas tree (yes-we have a permit). The kids are excited and so am I; its one of our most fun Christmas traditions
-E lost his first tooth today. He put it in a giagantic zip-lock bag. "So that it'll be easy for you to find under my pillow tonight; I know you're the Tooth Fairy, Mom." He said. I'm gonna give him a buck; hubby is shocked at inflation. He only got a quarter.
-E and M got their glasses in last Thursday. I'm considering duct taping them to each of their respective heads. I find those dumb things laying around everywhere. They are cute, when they're being worn though, and duct tape may diminish the look.
-I fought with M about wearing yellow socks, pink Mary Janes, holey jeans a purlple shirt and a light blue sweatshirt tied around the waist for an accessory. Later we had a knock-down-drag-out about wearing bright pink pants 4 inches too short. She's only 5, I'm really not THAT picky. What's it gonna be like at 13? YIKES!
-Bub's Spiderman suit is getting too small for him. It gives him a considerable wedgy, but he still insists on wearing the thing at least 1 day each week - with his "cowboy shoes" (aka cowboy boots). We've got quite a fashion sense around here!
-Cozy 101 plays all Christmas music for the month of December. My kids insist on having it on 24/7. It's on in their rooms; it's on in the playroom; it's on in the dining room. I've been humming Rump-A-Pum-Pum all day. Blast that dang drummer boy!

Orthopedist Update

Today was Bub's appt. with the Orthopedist at Children's. He liked it because the receptionist gave him a juice box and he got to watch movies in the waiting room. Also the x-ray machine went up and down "like a ride".

The PA we saw has been working in Children's Orthopedics for 20 years, and like every other professional I've ever met from Children's, he was outstanding. He engaged Bub, and spent time explaining the situation to me.

He said it was very likely that Bub did have Perthes, but he couldn't make the diagnosis for another month or 6 weeks because that is when the bone starts to degenerate. Then they can make a diagnosis based on x-rays. He also said that some people let Perthes take over their life and dominate their family, but that that was useless. Bub is getting the best treatment possible, and no amount of worry will control the situation. We will respond as the situation unfolds.

That's the latest.

Baby Bath and a Soap Box

There is nothing quite so cute as a naked baby. Babies, particularly my baby, have dimples everywhere. Fingers. Toes. Tush. Never again will rolls on the thighs and a Bhudda belly to match be adorable.

I have taken up the habit of plopping baby in the kitchen sink for her bath. It's efficient, and when you've got 4 kids you do what works. She looks so cute, all pugey and splashing. I think to myself everytime I plop her in sink that I really should take a picture. But soapy babies are slippery, so I don't exactly have a hand free to do photography. I doubt I could capture her innocence anyway. And pictures can't capture the delicious smell of baby shampoo on a warm and wiggly little person.

Everytime I change Baby's diaper now she starts to squeal in delight. She knows I will kiss her tummy, and it makes her giggle. She puts her hands out for me to kiss. I always do; she loves it. And I think, "How'd I get to be so lucky." Her chocolate colored eyes look at me with such love. I am her Mommy. And she is mine.

Sometimes when I look at Baby I am surprised that she doesn't look like me. She's got her birthmom's nose and her birthdad's coloring. I know how she came to us. She is our only "paper pregnancy", but sometimes I forget. My heart is knit to hers in the same way that my biological children are bound to me. The bond is the same, the genes are different.

Knowing the situation, and knowing that Baby is technically our foster daughter someone asked, "How does it feel to be taking care of someone else's kid?" Uhhh...how do I answer that one. She's mine; it feels like taking care of my child. Yes, I know she doesn't technically belong to us yet, but every kid deserves to "belong" to someone. God gave her to us to love. We do. End of Story. Kinda dumb question. Adoption builds families. I know that some people fear that they won't love a child brought to them through adoption in the same way that they will love a bio child. That's nuts. Love is love is love.

Homeschooling - a lifestyle and commitment

So a couple of weeks ago I was fed up with homeschooling. I was tired and worn out and sick of fighting my kids. Battle weary, I think it's called. This probably had as much to do with the stresses of life as it did with the actual homeschooling part of my day. Baby's birth dad decided to drop into the picture. Bub wasn't walking and we were just beginning to absorb the diagnosis of Perthes Syndrome. And I was dealing with my own health issues. I just started a medication that made me feel like I had Lupus. I was so sore and tired I could barely move. Life got hard and homeschooling was an expression of the pressure cooker that was my life.

Hubby came home to find me researching what district school would come pick my kids up on a bus. I was ready to send them anywhere, to anyone who would take them. "Whoa, time-out." Hubby said. "We are not going to send our kids to the crummy school down the street just because they have a bus route that goes by our house. Remember, you prayed about this. You felt like homeschooling is what God wanted for our family. "

Sure, bring God into it.

I had prayed about how to educate my kids. A lot. And I felt that I had heard, very clearly, from Him that we should homeschool the kids for this year. Our old pastor used to say, "Never doubt in the darkness what God has clearly shown you in the light." Okay, I'll homeschool.

We had always planned on taking homeschooling year-by-year, child-by-child. We didn't want to commit ourselves to be Homeschooling Lifers. Kids are different. Life changes. We wanted to stay flexible.

Oddly, by doing this we had boxed ourselves in. If I am always considering transitioning my kids into traditional school, I have to have them prepared to transition smoothly. Basically, my curriculum needs to follow the public school's scope and sequence fairly closely.

Didn't I choose homeschooling partly because I felt like I could do a better job of deciding what my kids should learn that a school district? If I homeschool I don't necessarily have to burden myself with public school standards.

My friend Karen gave me this advice, "Consider/pray about whether you should take a year-by-year approach, or if you should take a long range approach." Year-by-year is a sprint training. Lifers are in it for the long haul, marathoners. I was training for both the sprint and the marathon. It's too hard. "The double minded man is unstable in all his ways," the Bible says. And I cannot simultaneously hold two goals in mind. Either I homeschool, or I don't.

There are probably two reasons that I have dragged my feet about committing to a long range approach to homeschooling. The first is this: homeschooling will cost me. If I am a homeschool mom that means that, by default, I am choosing not to do other things. Homeschooling is a lifestyle and a commitment, and there are so many good things about it. But it is a choice that costs. It does have drawbacks. I'll have to work harder for my kids to have friendships. I won't have as much time to volunteer, or go back to work. My house will probably always look "lived in".

The second reason that choosing a long-term path is daunting is that homeschooling is hard. It is hard to juggle educating several kids and managing a home. I want to do all of these things with excellence, and frankly, sometimes I do a pretty mediocre job. Insecurity eats at me. Can I do it? But I guess if I believe that this is what God has given me to do, the good works he has for me, then I've got to believe I have been equip for the challenge. Incidentally, as a kid I always thought I'd have some more glamorous mission in life. How humbling to think that my primary mission is to serve 4 little people and one tall, handsome and balding guy. My mission looks a lot like laundry, and dirty dishes, and runny noses, and shoe tying. Hmm...

I heard bit on the Christian radio station that stuck in my head. It went like this, "You think that sacrifice and commitment are barriers to your happiness, but in reality they are the path to it." Could it be? Has my God called me to the simple, unglamourous task of homeschooling and caring for my family because it is best for me? As I learn to serve I learn contentment and joy. And as I care for the needs of my little children I am forced to grow-up in to the woman I am supposed to be.

Thanksgiving - a few things I'm thankful for

Well actually, if I am to be grammatically correct it is: A few things for which I am thankful. That rule about never ending a sentence with a perposition is a bit outdated. Anyway, I'm thankful, here's why:

-A baby that is sleeping through the night - mostly
-An amazing husband
-fun kids, family
-food, shelter, transportation, insurance, healthcare
-Vitamin Cottage (It'd stink to be gluten-intolerant and not be able to get GF food)
-Amazing Grace and chocolate chip cookies
-Friendship
-Bargain shopping
-Sunshine and the Rocky Mountains
-free babysitting, and the unexpected date we got last night
-A God who loves me
-Turkey sandwiches with cranberry sauce

Hard Up For Blog Material So I'll Steal Gretch's Idea

The idea is that you're supposed to write the first thing that comes to mind.

The president: is named after a landscaping item
Tupperware: is the bane of my existence
Florida: sounds warm
Santa Claus: is dead
Halloween: candy rots childrens' teeth
Alice: in Wonderland
Grammar: comma splice
MySpace: is overtaking the world
Worst fear:losing my kids
Marriage: Rocks
Paris Hilton: needs more fabric in her wardrobe
Pat: Cat, Rat, Sat, Mat etc.
Redheads: I tried that once...didn't look natural on me
Pass the: turkey (its Thanksgiving)
One night stand: stand on what?
Donald Trump: Toupee?
Neverland: Peter
Pixie stixs:EWWWW!
Hooters: plastic surgery
High school: never again
Pajama's:flannel
Woody: Woodpecker
Wet socks: DOUBLE EWWW!
Beach:Boys
Love: my husband

And to add the fun Hubby is going to play along...Wanna bet his answers will be somewhat different than mine.

The president:difficult job
Tupperware: annoying
Florida: Disney World
Santa Claus: make believe
Halloween: God gave kids disposable teeth
Alice: in Wonderland
Grammar: lousy
MySpace: I don't know anything about it - Trashy?
Worst fear: kids not accepting Jesus
Marriage: commitment
Paris Hilton: trashy
Pat:Boone
Redheads:sunburn
Pass the: cervesa
One night stand: waste of time
Donald Trump: bad hair
Neverland: Tinkerbelle
Pixie stixs:childhood
Hooters: who's questions are these?
High school: memory
Pajama's:sexy
Woody: uncle
Wet socks: uncomfortable
Beach:sandy
Love:eternal

Visitation

Foster to Adopt is a rollercoaster.

DNA confirmed the identity of Baby's birth father. And six months into the process we had our first visitation. I was a nervous wreck. I sat is a little room with a squeaky leather couch, pretending to read a Parents Magazine, all the while listening for sounds of Baby crying. Baby was crabby, but not hysterical. All and all it went okay. I got a picture of Baby with her birth dad, which I think will be special to her as she gets older. She's been a mess since we've been home and wants to be held constantly. The social worker said that this is pretty typical. We should expect it.

Birth dad still doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't think he'll be able comply with the treatment plan. He is possibly open to relinquishment counselling. He wants to do visitation. He doesn't think the courts are fair, and feels like a huge injustice has been done.

Up till now Baby's birth parents have been a bit of an abstraction. But now I've got a face. A person; not just a scrap of DNA. What a mixed bag of emotions go with this guy. First, I feel sorry for him. No matter what, it sucks to lose custody of a child. Next, I feel threatened. He still has the potential to take baby away from us, even if it is very unlikely. Lastly, I feel irritated. What kind of parent doesn't show up until his baby is 6 months old. Hello? It's your kid. Do something. Show up. Parent's do that.

Anyway that's where we are at.

One light-hearted anecdote as penance for my depressing blog entries: I got a referral to take Bub to the an orthopedic specialist at Children's for his Perthes Syndrome. Bub overheard me telling my mom on the phone that I had to schedule a visist with the Orthopedist. Unfamiliar with the term, Bub misheard me. "ORTHO - PENIS !", he yelped. "It's working, it's working".

Secret Identity

Hubby sent me an article from Christianity Today about the secret identity of women. Interesting. I'll summarize. Basically, this guy noticed that often when a woman's husband dies she grieves, but then after a time this whole new person emerges. She starts to travel, or begins a new career, or gets a new wardrobe. The guy posed the question, "Is the new person really new or was part of her identity squelched by her husband's domination?"

I have never felt that my husband dominates me, or smothers parts of who I am. If anything he encourages me to do the things I love and will sacrifice to make it happen. Does this mean I don't have a secret identity lurking under the "mommy" disguise? Nope. I think I have several. There is the World Traveler Me, and the Grad School Me, and the Publish a Book Me, and the Artist Me, and the Hip Dresser Me. When I think about all those other possible "Mes" waiting to emerge it makes me a little sad, those parts of me are on hold. For today there are little people who need their oatmeal made, and their shoelaces tied.

I love my kids. I do. No question. But the cost of nurturing is high. I think all moms, maybe particularly stay-at-home moms, struggle with this. How do I be a real person, with real interests and talents when so much of my life is spent caring for the needs of others, making sure they reach their potential? Maybe some people are just natural caretakers, and they feel fullfilled in their role as mother. For me, it is a struggle.

Speaking of little people, they're awake. I need to run. But if you're a mom, and you've struggled with this leave a comment. I'd love to hear how you've dealt with it.

Cute Picture I Can't Post

Imagine that you're seeing a cute picture of four kids dressed in Halloween costumes. The seven year old is a GI-Joe, the 5 year old is Pokahantas (sp?), the 4 year old is a cowboy, the baby is a cow. (We are sincerely hoping that that dressing her as a cow will not cause self-esteem issues later, but my sister dressed her daughter as an elephant, so maybe we can get a discount on group therapy.) Anyway, they're really cute, and I can't post the picture b/c baby isn't technically ours. Kinda annoying, but we knew what we were in for. The thing is baby thinks she's ours. She coos and babbles until she captures my attention and then she giggles, and when her daddy walks in she shoots him a million dollar smile. Some day the courts will catch up with her and we will be a forever family.

One Thing On My To-Do List

I've been struggling with my own inadequacy lately - this is a perpetual problem for me, but it's been especially bad lately. My house is not clean enough. My kids are not progressing in school fast enough and they miss behave (which is clearly a reflection on my parenting). My laundry is not done promptly enough. My waist is not thin enough. And the list goes on, and on. Bottom line: I've been discouraged.

So this morning I got up to find a message from God in my inbox. Really. Well he used a couple of his people in the delivery, but it was pretty clear. Hubby forwarded me a devotional about the feelings of fear, guilt, and frustration parents face. The devotional concluded with Proverbs 14:2 "In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have refuge. " Hmm...guess its not about me after all. Its about placing my confidence in Him.

Then my dear friend Paula wrote an email about what she'd been learning lately. Here are some snippets:

"It's my job to respond to Him, not to fix myself. Fix your eyes on Him. Set your thoughts, heart and actions on those of the Father. He doesn't want you to dig around in your life and pull out all the junk you find. He will change you as He adjusts your sight and sensitizes your ears to His voice. All you need to do today is seek Him....Believe His power provides everything you need for life and godliness."

Paula wrote that is was nice to only have one thing on her to-do list today - Respond to Jesus. That goes double for me.

Here is the really cool thing: I've been reading in Matthew, and been noticing that angels show up left and right to deliver messages. People have dreams, God speaks, the Holy Spirit prompts. Jesus talks directly to Satan. The line between what goes on in the spiritual realm and what goes on in the physical is non-existent. I've been thinking, "since when did God stop speaking, and communicating directly with His people." He hasn't changed, and I know in other parts of the world he is still doing miracles of the New Testament variety. How did my faith become so sterile and academic. So I prayed for a new kind of faith, well actually the old kind: the kind where God speaks, and I listen, and then I talk and He hears and responds. A relationship. Guess what? God showed up in my inbox. He started the conversation and he said, in plain old English, "You worry about too many things, but only one thing is needed. Come sit at my feet, come be with me. I am worthy of your confidence, and I love you. "

not one of my top 10 favorite days

Do you ever just feel beat over the head by life? That's where I'm at today. Today, I took my little Bub to the doctor because the pain in his leg was so bad he couldn't walk. It might be nothing; it might be Perthes Disease. Of course I Googled Perthes Disease, and though the prognosis is good, it's a pretty crummy thing to have.

Then later I got a call from Baby's worker. Birth dad has indeed shown up; he's the guy. I don't know what he wants...but it's hard not to worry for baby. We are her mom and dad; she gets nervous and cries when we aren't around.

Stir in a little bit of high maintenance renters, and annoying unforeseen expenses. Add a dash of car maintenance and a husband who's got a cold. Mix in a bad hair day, a migraine, complete with auras and burnt dinner and there you have it: Today stinks. Well at least Jared kicked the bucket, that's something...

Obiturary

It is with much relief (ah...I mean grief) that I'm announcing the untimely demise of one, Jared Michael Wood. Though he was with our family for only a short time (less than 24 hours) he will be missed, particularly by the children in our family. Jared lived in our basement until yesterday when captured by my children. He then set up residence in a glass jar with an aluminium foil lid. He leaves behind 3 lonely kids who will have to find something else to do with their time now that they have no reason to go around catching flies for Jared's dinner. Jared was brown, and enormous and ugly with 8 legs. He's in a better place now....a place where he doesn't have to be jostled around in a glass jar and fed pole beans, and where he doesn't have to listen some lady say, "get Jared away from me...Jared, is not welcome on my kitchen counter....Jared, cannot eat dinner with us."

Ragamuffins

Eddie pulled The Ragamuffin Gospel (by Brennan Manning) off our bookshelf the other day to re-read. I saw it laying around, and picked it up. It's so good, and a must read. It's about the radical, extravagant love of God - and his Grace. I don't think I could be reminded of Amazing Grace enough.

The Gospel is only "good news" if its about Grace, anything less pure religiosity, and I'm not interested. "He (God) has a single relentless stance towards us: he loves us." That's it! There is no fine print. The God of the Universe is wild about me and he accepts me just as I am. I do not have to get it together, or put on my make-up, or loose 15 pounds. He sees the mess I am. He knows that I'm a bundle of contradictions: full of faith one moment, doubting the next. To him I am not just another suburban house wife. He knows my name; he sees me. And he loves me.

Here is the challenge: I've got to believe it, and I am called to accept it. "Jesus Loves Me" was probably the first song I ever learned. And I know its true on a theological level, but the problem is that I know myself. I know I don't have it together. But then that's what Grace is: unmerited favor. He loves me and I don't deserve it; He accepts me even though my behavior should deem me unacceptable. The crux of the Christian journey is learning to walk in Grace. It's learning to to look to Jesus and accept by faith that I am acceptable and loved.

The interesting thing about legalism is: it gets its torque from shame and guilt. Shame and guilt can alter behavior for a time, but they cannot effect lasting change. Grace does that; its what changes us. "It's God's kindness that draws us to repentance." Tell me I am not alone here. I have on numerous occasions managed to pull myself by my bootstraps, only to have a brisk wind blow and land back on my ample tush. Then, stupidly, I repeat the process. I know we are Americans, and this "by your bootstraps" mentality has been ingrained in us since infancy. But its bunk. Doesn't work work. Jesus works. He's poured out his love, he accepts me as I am. And somehow when I get my focus off myself an onto Him change happens without me really trying. I thinks its called sanctification, and I have little to do with it. How did I miss that? It is God's Grace and when I accept it, and live in it I don't have to try so hard.

Annoyed

So I got an email from a friend in my homeschooling support group that told of the NEA's position on homeschooling. Here it is:

The National Educational Association in their 2007-2008 Resolutionshas taken a stand against homeschooling.It reads "The National Education Association believes that homeschooling programs based on parental choice cannot provide thestudent with a comprehensive education experience. When homeschooling occurs, students enrolled must meet all state curricularrequirements, including the taking and passing of assessments toensure adequate academic progress. Home schooling should be limitedto the children of the immediate family, with all expenses beingborne by the parents/guardians. Instruction should be by persons whoare licensed by the appropriate state education licensure agency,and a curriculum approved by the state department of educationshould be used.The Association also believes that home-schooled students should notparticipate in any extracurricular activities in the public schools.The Association further believes that local public school systemsshould have the authority to determine grade placement and/orcredits earned toward graduation for students entering or re-entering the public school setting from a home school setting."Statistics have shown that homeschooled students do exceptionallywell. They excel (and win) spelling bees, score high on tests likethe SAT, and go on to be accepted into many colleges. One Source:http://www.chec.org/Legislative/News/HomeschoolingStatistics/Index.htmlHomeschoolers also find benefits in co-op classes contrary to theNEA belief that students should only be instructed by theirimmediate families.Take a moment to tell the NEA that homeschooling is a real option that does produce wonderfully rounded and educated members of society.

I find this outstandingly irritating. Here's why: the Public Elementary Schools in my district boast of CSAP scores in the 60s. This means that a huge portion of kids in area public schools are performing below grade level(as judged by their own standards). I know test scores don't tell the whole story, but by golly, they do tell some of the story. And it ain't pretty.

I find it arrogant of the NEA to say that HS based on parental choice cannot provide a comprehensive education to students. It seems to me that public schools cannot provide a comprehensive education to a good many of their students. Certainly, homeschoolers cannot be performing worse than the public schools and the data suggest that homeschoolers are, as a whole, outperforming public school kids on standardized tests. Furthermore who says that schools should have the corner on deciding what learning objectives are appropriate for all kids. Maybe they could provide some input on baseline skills set, but in this post-modern world one size does not fit all. Our kids are unique with unique gifts and challenges. Personalized education makes good sense, and is pretty efficient. Oh and seriously, curriculum approved by the state... that smacks of fascism. That sounds suspiciously like social engineering. Since when did parents loose the right to parent their kids. Don't even get me started on this one...

Then there is the talk of eliminating homeschooling co-ops. Homeschooling co-ops are one of the innovations that homeschoolers have come up with to provide their kids with "comprehensive" education. No one is arguing that teaching a 16 year old physics poses a challenge to most homeschool moms. But homeschoolers do figure out ways to do it, one of the solutions is co-oping.

Sounds to me like the NEA is getting a little antsy about protecting its turf. Homeschooling is taking some of the best student from the most dedicated families out of the system. Online Core Knowledge schools, computer based training, OPTIONS programs, and charter schools are giving parents choices that never used to be available. Public schools are feeling the heat.

Yes, the reality is that the poorest kids with the weakest support systems are marginalized by the mass exodus of more affluent kids for charter and homeschools, and that stinks. But the bureaucratic nightmare that is our public education needs to be overhauled, and there is nothing like a little stiff competition to get the ball rolling.

Annoyingly, Eddie is out of town this week and I've been thinking, "Man, I'd love to send my kids to school." Homeschooling is hard and sometimes really annoying. The problem is that I've developed these strong opinions. I don't want to be a control freak about educating my kids, I'd like to share the burden. But sometimes I just can't get over myself. I've been in education departments in Academia, I've worked in the public schools. I know what I saw. And I'm not sure I could keep my mouth shut and support a system that I believe is fundamentally flawed. But some days it sure sounds nice...

Healthy Eating

Last week I was watching Oprah and folding laundry. Oprah had Jerry Seinfield's wife on as a guest. (How'd you like to be known as somebodies wife - with no distinct personality?) Anyway Mrs. Seinfield wrote a cook book called "Deceptively Delicious". It came out of her struggle as a mom to get her kids to eat vegetables. She came up with these clever ways to hide vegetables in everything from scrambled eggs to birthday cake to chicken nuggets. She steams and purees vegetables and then matches the vegetable color to the food she's serving. For example, she might add yellow squash puree to scrambled eggs. Her kids don't notice and they get the veggies they need. She says she also serves her kids raw veggies, so they get used to the idea that veggies are a part of a healthy diet. But now she doesn't fight to get them to eat the veggies b/c she knows their hidden in other foods. I'd love to get that book.

Anyway, it got me thinking that most of the moms I know have clever tricks to boost the nutrutional content of the food they serve their kids. Here are some of my tricks, and the some of the tricks I've stolen from my friends.

-Sprinkle Flax Seed meal on oatmeal. I used to disguise this with brown sugar, but now my kids are on to me and they'll eat the flax meal anyway.

-Add frozen blueberries and diced apples to oatmeal. The fruit sweetens oatmeal enough so that you hardly need any sugar at all.

-Make smoothies for my kids snacks using frozen strawberries and protien powder. It tastes sweet, but doesn't mess with their blood sugar.

-My friend, Linette, cooks with ground buffalo instead of beef b/c it is leaner. I use lean ground turkey.

-I bake with sorghum and brown rice flours b/c they're whole grains with more fiber and protien.

-We eat brown rice pasta - it's a complex carb

-My friend Anne has got her boys convinced they're getting a "frosty" but she makes it with real cocoa (flavanoids) and protien powder.

-Natural peanut butter. You never miss the sugar in the PB. Skippy has a kind that's not grainy and doesn't need to be stirred.

-Agave Nectar can replace honey. It is low on the glycemic index and its cheaper than honey too.

-Shred yellow squash, saute and mix with scrambled eggs.

-Add shredded zucchini and carrots to muffin mixes.

-Add pureed cauliflower to mashed potatoes.

-Use unsweetened applesauce to replace oil in baking mixes.

-Add flax meal and protien powder to pancake mix. Top pancakes with berries instead of syrup.

-Mix salsa and tomatoes in with the taco meat.

- Send your husband to work with a box of instant oatmeal or egg beaters and whole grain tortillas (for breakfast burittos) I was worried about Eddie's tryglycerides and his low HDLs. Now he eats oatmeal almost every morning for breakfast, not b/c he's concerned about his health but b/c its so easy.

-Buy OJ with calcium added

-Mix PB, jelly and oatmeal together until its cookie dough consistancy. My kids think I'm letting them eat cookie dough for snacks and its actually full of fiber, protien and relatively low in sugar.

-Go with unsweetened craisins, sugar-free pb, real fruit jams, nautural applesauce, unsalted anything. Little changes add up.

- Teach your kids to read labels, and evaluate the healthy factor for themselves.

-Limit the junk food in your pantry. You it what's convientient. If junk fook is convienient it'll get eaten.

-So that's my best material. Anybody else have some great ideas out there?

10-20-30

I've been tagged. So here goes...
10 years ago - I was dating my future husband. I lived in Boulder with 3 roomates and from our bedroom window my friend Dawn and I could spy on our respective boyfriends who lived acrossed the street.

I was a junior at CU, and finishing up my practicums at Baseline Middle School. My experience at this school and working at the Boulder County Juvenile Detention Center laid the foundation for which our decision to homeschool was based.

20 years ago - I was a 5th grader at Eisenhower Elementary School in Davenport IA. I think this was the year (can't remember if it was 5th or 6th) when Mrs. Hudson was my homeroom teacher. She was my favorite. I'm not actually sure she was a fabulous teacher, but she understood kids. She was the defender of the underdog, and you always knew Mrs. Hudson had your back.

30 years ago - My mom was pregnant with my sister. I was about to be bumped from my position as baby of the family, a position which I held for all of 18months. I had curly brown hair, and if the pictures are accurate, I was adorable. We lived in Des Moines IA.

Still not ready to be productive...

So I'll do an baby update. We met Baby's sisters' parents. They're very cool people...and we found that our motivation to adopt was similar to theirs. They adopted through Project 127, a non-profit organized established in a local church. Project 127's vision is to see all of Colorado's orphans in homes. I highly recommend them to anyone who is considering adoption through social services.

Anyway, this couple filled in some details for us about Baby's birthfamily. They gave us pictures and some medical information. Very, very helpful stuff, and it'll be even more important as Baby gets older.

After seeing the pictures I have little doubt about who Baby's birth father is. Still we are in the waiting process. The courts haven't technically established paternity. When they do, we still don't know how birth dad will proceed. He could relinquish his rights, or he could ask for a treatment plan. So far, no one thinks he will really be able to parent, but there is always a chance. We will see, and I will try not to worry.

Doing this instead of what I should be doing....

MAN TAG:
1. Who is your man? Eddie
2. How long have you been married? 9 years
3. How long dated? Depends how you count it, but about a year
4. How old is your man? 32 - almost 33
5. Who eats more? Generally - Eddie, chocolate - me
6. Who said "I love you" first? He did
7. Who is taller? Him

8. Who sings better?Oh, I do, but that's not hard to accomplish
9. Who is smarter? We are different kinds of smart (I'm stealing this very diplomatic answer from my sister)
10. Whose temper is worse? Eddie's
11. Who does the laundry? At our house it's the Laundry Fairy - what you don't have one? - the fairy looks suspiciously like me.
12. Who takes out the garbage? That's been a boy job from the beginning of time
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? me - though sometimes I switch because it irritates Eddie and he needs a little spontaneity in his life.
14. Who pays the bills? Eddie - I, apparently, don't do it right, and it stresses me out, so Eddie took over.
15. Who is better with the computer? Eddie, but I can hold my own.

16. Who mows the lawn? Eddie agreed upon marrying me that I would never have to do this job - if we had a pre-nump this would be in it.

17. Who cooks dinner? Me - though Eddie can make meatloaf and omelette's and frittata and a few other things.

18. Who drives when you are together? Eddie is the default driver - for some reason I make him nervous...

19. Who pays when you go out? VISA
20. Who is most stubborn? Eddie
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Eddie
22. Whose parents do you see the most? mine

23. Who kissed who first? He kissed me - I think, well I kissed him too!

24. Who asked who out? He asked me out on our first official date, but that was after months of hanging out and him showing up at my apartment suspiciously close to dinner time.
25. Who proposed? Eddie

26. Who is more sensitive? Me
27. Who has more friends? Probably me, but Eddie knows more people than I do
28. Who has more siblings? Me
29. Who wears the pants in the family? That question annoys me. Eddie would say he does; I say we collaborate - and we do. If it came down to it I would trust him to make big decisions in the best interest of our family.

Bullet Points

• Tomorrow we meet Baby's sisters' parents. I'm a little nervous and a lot excited to get to know them.
• We were surprised to discover that I actually bought a yellow tomato plant. Our yellow tomatoes are much yummier than the red ones.
• Wednesday is our 9th anniversary.
• We went to Pathways on Sunday and heard Brian Maclaren speak. Hubby was agast - Maclaren referenced Al Gore within minutes of beginning his talk. This is not a good way to win over my husband. Maclaren is more liberal than I am, quite a lot more liberal. But I think he's compelling and makes good points. For instance, I think the emergent church's empahsis on praxis and less on theology is important. I think examining how we read the Bible through our Western Modernist worldview is good to think about. And I think that recognizing that we frame our experience in a Capitalist, Post-colonial, Western, Evangelical way is worth recognizing. Sometimes we get confused and think we are following Christ when its just our Evangelical Cultural that we are following. It's interesting stuff.
• I make a lousy liberal, and I am far too liberal to make a good conservative (in the James Dobson sense). This means I don't exactly fit the typical Christian homeschooler mold. I don't fit the typical suburbanite either. We've got too many kids. I'm actually a really lousy bookkeeper and my tupperware is a mess so I don't fit with the stay-at-home mom thing either. Nor am I a working mom. I had my kids far too young, and couldn't probably get a job in instructional design if I wanted to anymore. I'm having a junior high moment and feeling conspicuously not cool.

Big Bison

Us and the Presidents

CAMPING

We just got back from a mini-vacation;it was a desperately needed time away.

We trucked it up to South Dakota pulling my dad's Airstream trailer. The thing is older than I am; we prefer to call it vintage. It has some quirks, to say the least, but it was a lifesaver. When on a road trip with kids its always a good thing to be towing a bathroom and a pantry. Tent camping with all my children would send me to the looney bin right now. The trailer was a perfect solution and made a cheap vacation possible.

Neither Hubby or I had ever been to the Black Hills before. They are so pretty. We also saw Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse, the Wind Caves and visited Custer State Park. A bison was so close to the truck I could literally have spit on him (and that's saying something seeing as I grew up with sisters and never really mastered the art).

Vacationing with 4 kids isn't exactly relaxing. It's a lot of work, but I'm glad we went. Somethings are priceless.

Baby News

Today I heard from Baby's social worker. Things are not going as smoothly as I was beginning to hope. There is the small issue of paternity to nail down. And as usual, there will be hoops to jump through and waiting, always waiting. Its really nothing worth worrying about yet. I don't know anything and I won't for at least a month. We'll just pray; and entrust our baby girl into His care.

This is the part in the fost-adopt saga where I learn to love with open hands. Actually its a good lesson to learn. Our children are not our own, and they could be taken from us at a moments notice - we are not immune from tragedy. Somehow we've got to live in the moment, and love the ones we have right now. I heard someone say once that when you become a mother your heart walks around outside your body. And its true. We are vulnerable to breath-taking pain, but we love anyway. To do otherwise would be to miss out on life's biggest gifts. If we had chosen another path I would have missed out on holding Baby today. I would have missed her chuckles when I bumped her nose to mine. I would have missed how she snuggles into me when I pick her up. She is so worth loving.

I was reading Acts today, and read about Paul going on one of his missionary journeys. On this particular occasion Paul starts heading to Asia, but is prevented (by the Spirit of God) from talking about Jesus. Immediately after that he's prevented from going into some city, again by God's Spirit. If I were Paul I would have been saying, "What's up with this God? I'm on this missionary journey, hoofing it all over the place, and you stop me. I thought this is what you wanted me to do. I thought this was my calling. Now you're slamming doors left and right. I don't get it." From the vantage point that a couple thousand years offers I see that Paul was exactly where he was supposed to be. God did use him - wildly, powerfully. But from where Paul stood the view was different. It was a faith walk.

I'm putting my faith in the fact that somehow there is a bigger picture I'm missing. I love a God who sees how the pieces fit together. He is not far off. And though he doesn't promise a "happily ever after" he does walk with me.

Parenting Imperfect Kids

As a kid, I remember my mom working with my baby sister on her spelling words. They would go round and round, and despite my mom's best efforts my sister still did poorly on her spelling tests.

Fast forward 20 years....My sister is a wonderful, dynamic woman with an absolute gift for working with children AND she is quite possibly the most atrocious speller I've ever encountered. (Sorry Gretch, but we all know its true).

Here is my point: I've noticed some areas of weakness in my kids. Maybe its a paticular attitude, or a tendency towards a particular sin, or an area where they struggle academically. Experience tells me that my kids are probably not going to outgrow their weaknesses. My sister is still a crummy speller, and even though I managed to pass college algebra, I still don't know my times tables. I still struggle with laziness and insecurity. And though I've learned some good coping skills, I am still a little ditzy and distractable. BUT ultimately we turned out okay; better than okay. We are bright, capable women. My sister isn't in some Bad Speller Rehab, and I just use a calculator.

Maybe I need to lighten up. Maybe I need to give my kid coping skills to work around their weaknesses, instead of spending so much effort trying to "fix" them. Then I'd have more time to help them develop the areas that God has gifted them in and, frankly, just enjoy their company.

For example, my daughter throws tremendous, ridiculous, unmanagable hissy fits when she gets tired. My time is probably better spent teaching her to recognize when she's tired and cranky than disciplining her for lack of self-control, and disrespect mid temper tantrum.

BOTTOM LINE:
Bad handwriting ......teach 'em to type.
Not a morning person.....get a good alarm clock, and give them homework at night.
Poor speller...hey, we live in the age of SpellCheck. Aproximation is good enough.
Lazy... it's all in how you frame it; I pefer to call it "laid back", and teach efficiency.

Hyperbole and my Husband's Rebuttal

I admit it, my entry about George Bush and My Father's Dragon was a bit hyperbolized. I don't actually believe that if we all just sat down and really listened to each other all would be well, and terrorist attacks would be a thing of the past. I was just trying to make a point that as Westerners we have a tendency to forget there is a whole other world out there that doesn't see things from our perspective. Sometimes our lack of understanding leads to gross miscalculation.

My husband is a staunch Republican and, admittidly, better informed than I am on current events and politics. He sent me these links ("to read at my leasure"):

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/

http://www.bennettmornings.com/

I get the feeling he disagrees with me ...

I haven't actually dug into these resources but I did quickly click. ONe of the sites was selling hats saying, "America: the world's last best hope." Honestly, I don't disagree, but from a strictly fashion stand point these are a major faux pas.

Its hard to be too critical of a country that where I live in comfort and freedom. I am afforded affluence most of the rest of the world will never see. I have choices that many would never dream of.

Messy Business

Homeschool is messy business. There is really no getting around it. Well I suppose that I could obsess about tidiness, but I've tried that and it doesn't work. I just spend all my time following around my kids picking up the trail of stuff they leave. It drives both them and me nutty.

So it gets messy, and my kids learn. The actual reading, writing, 'rithmatic part of school is relatively neat. But I'd say that is where a small portion of the meaningful learning happens. For example, I made M flash cards with "sight words" (e.g. the, and, to, I etc.). She's doing really well, and in a couple of weeks she's learned close to 30 words. So the other day I got out M's sight words, but she said, "No mom, today I'm going to teach you." She ran downstairs and got a hand ful of oddly shaped green construction paper cards with words she'd written on them. In her free time she made her OWN sight word cards (spelled perfectly) and she quizzed me. She also left a whole bunch of little green construction paper scraps all over the playroom floor. But I know M has really learned when she teaches back to me, and that is worth a little bit of green paper scattered on my floor.

I mentioned in my last entry that we are reading a book called MyFather's Dragon. Yesterday the boy in the story encountered an angry rhino. Guess what Bub was pretending to be today. Yep. He was pretending to be a rhino on a shape hunt. It always surprises me how the kids incorporate what we are learning during our official school time into their creative play. And I think that it is during their creative play that the internalize what they are learning. It becomes theirs and they learn it forever. Unfortunately, its messy! My 3 year old rhino/boy also got out all the shape books in the house and spread them out all over his sisters' room.

Just because my house gets a little messy does not mean I'm a bad mom, or even a poor housekeeper. It just means I'm a good teacher.

My Father's Dragon Meets George Bush and other Thoughts on Post-Colonial America

The kids and I are reading a Newberry Award book called "My Father's Dragon". It's a fun nonsensical adventure story about a boy who "invades" a wild jungle island to rescue a mistreated dragon. Along the way the boy invents clever ways to evade and charm wild animals who intend to eat him. He does crazy stuff like giving the tigers bubble gum.

There is a lesson that George Bush could take from this little boy. The boy understands the animals he encounters. He listens, then, to the extent that he is able, he gives the animals what they want. He neutralizes the animosity.

I like our cowboy president, and I can appreciate his "six-shooter" approach to international politics. It's certainly strait forward, and noble in intent. It also doesn't seem to be working all that well. I think the problem is that we do not understand the "animals" we meet. They do not see us as rescuers of the "oppressed dragon". We are the invaders.

"But we are trying to free the world of terror and evil dictators.", you say. "Can't they see that we have their best interests at heart?"

NOPE. Here's why: Our history proceeds us. Remember "Manifest Destiny". We actually believed that we were entitled to other peoples land and it was okay to steamroll people in our path. Remember how we mistreated the Native People of this land, how we lied and stole. Remember colonization. Remember slavery. Yes, I know that was primarily the Dutch and British and Spanish. But to the rest of the world we sort of look the same. White skin, cocky attitude, yada yada yada. Remember the Crusades? It was a long time ago, I know. But the world hasn't forgotten what we did in the name of Christ. My point is: We have a lousy and well deserved reputation.

Yes, we have used our power and influence for good. We have been generous, and noble. But frankly, that is not what the world remembers when they think of Americans. They still see us through the lens of colonialism.

I haven't the foggiest idea how to resolve the problem of a power vacuum in Iraq. I really do not understand the complexities of a culture with tribal discord. Fundamentalist Islamic factions do pose a real threats for which I don't have a solution. But I think that it begins with listening, and listening hard? Do we really understand the "animals" in our path, do we understand that to them we ARE an invader? Do we "get" that our reputation is shot?

As a parent I've noticed that, as the person in power, I can manipulate my children's behavior for a time. I can threaten, and spank. I can take away privileges, and give time-outs. And that stuff works for a little while. But as my kids approach adolescence my power will dwindle. What will matter then is whether I have captured their hearts and won their respect. My influence then will depend on my ability now to love them, to earn their respect, and their trust. For a time I can manipulate behavior, but any lasting influence I have will be because I have captured their heart.

I know it is a stretch to apply my parenting philosophy to international politics. But I'll do it anyway. Heart matters more. Respect and compassion are really the big guns. And somehow we've missed that.

Update

The courts are proceeding with no treatment plan for Baby's birth mother and birth father. Hopefully, she will be legally free for adoption before Christmas. Then, if all goes as plan we'll finalize her adoption early next year. Baby will be issued a new birthcertificate, and her name will match the rest of our family's.

A name matters. It does. I took for granted that my bio children would share my last name. And I am anxious for Baby to have our name too. It's not that I want to deny the fact that she was brought to our family through adoption. But there is a sense of belonging that comes in a name. And she's our precious girl.

My New Do

I chopped my hair! Well, actually, my friend Kathy did. I've wanted my hair shorter for awhile, but I was afraid I'd look like a q-tip - curly hair and all. Finally, I'd had enough. Baby kept grabbing handfuls of it and I was tired of the same ol' same ol'. So here it is.

Hubby is in mourning for my lost locks, but he'll get over it. He does this wheneverI cut my hair. What is the deal with guys and long hair?

A Stroke of Brilliance and Video Game Update

Our rules for the x-box are not original to us. We stole them from the Collins family, and they work great. Rules are as follows: 1) you may only play on weekends 2) you have a 2 hour time limit 3) if you are a pain about these rules then x-box privleges will be taken away. Brilliant! E knows when he can play and when he can't. He enjoys playing, improves his motor skills and does not get obsessed with gaming.

Another note on moderation and critical thinking: My kids like to watch the TV show called Arthur (based on the books). I don't like it because the kids on the show talk snotty and are mean to each other. I told my kids they cannot watch Arthur anymore because they had begun to talk snotty to each other.

Today my kids asked nicely to watch Arthur, and this was my compromise: They could watch Arthur, but they had to keep a running tally of mean things that were said on 3x5 cards. The show is half way over and the 3x5 cards are filling up fast. After the show is over my 2 older kids owe me sentences explaining mean things that the kids on Arthrur said.

Later we get to have a conversation about how easy it is to get desensitized to evil, and how words can be used to hurt or heal. In theory this seems like a brilliant parenting tactic; we'll see how it goes in practice.