Really, I am. When each of my bio kids were born I struggled with post-partum depression. I thought it was because my hormones were wacked. And I'm sure they were. But now I'm not sure that my struggle with depression has much to do with pregnancy after all. See, when Baby came home I started down the depression path again. Serious sleep deprivation, stress and a hiatis from my excercise routine sent my Seretonin levels on a tail spin. (Seretonin is a neurotransmitter responsible for emotional equalibrium. Seretonin and Endorphins defficiency are what cause depression.)
When I'm getting enough sleep, excercising, eating healthy and there are no major stressors I do okay with out medication. But once these things are disturbed my body defaults into this depressed mode. I can't escape it. It's predictable. The only way out, that I've discovered, is a little pill called an SSRI. It's amazing how a week or two on a little pill will make me feel human again.
I'm a high funtioning depressed person. I've got too many little people depending on me to not get my work done. I internalize, so it usually takes awhile for Hubby to pick up on the cues that I'm struggling with depression. Though the longer we're married the quicker he picks up on the cues that I'm not doing well. And that's important. Sometimes I need someone (who's not me) to name what is going on in my head.
What's depression like? Well if you Google it you'll find lots of technical definintions, but I have my own. Depression is like an emotional migrane. Or maybe it could be described as an enourmous weight tied around my neck. I can still function, but Depression slows me down, and it takes the joy out of life. The focus becomes survival. And because I'm spending so much energy on "keeping it together" my world becomes smaller, and life's little headaches become almost more than I can handle.
Before I struggled with Depression I might have said that Depression is mostly a spiritual problem. Not anymore. Depression, though I suppose it could be triggered by thought patterns or bad decisions, is a chemical problem. I am not a worrier, even when I am depressed. But I still feel anxious. I can be spending time in reading the Bible, but when depression hits the words on the page might as well be Greek. I cannot absorb them.
Now I get frustrated with Christians who don't acknowledge the real physical, chemical component to Depression. Saying, "pray more, or read your Bible, or don't be anxious" are simply not helpful solutions. It's kind of like telling a starving child that he should be in Sunday School. No, first you feed the kid; you get him warm clothes and someplace safe to stay. You care for his physical needs, and once those are met you talk with him about Jesus. Its the same with Depression. First the chemical, physical issues have to be addressed. Then the spirtitual issues (if there are any) can be handled.
I've been hesitant to blog about Depression, partly becuase it's depressing. But also Depression has a certain stigma attached to it. Mental illness is simply seen differently than physical illness. Saying you have Depression is different than saying your cholesterol is too high. It's unfair, but true. I decided to blog about it now, because I'm sure that there are others out there who struggle with depression, or will. I wanted you to know that you are not alone.
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