stream of conciousness...a glimpse into my messy brain

-I've figured out how to type with an injured middle finger....where there is a will there is a way.

-This afternooon we're going to sign some the papers to finalize the purchase of a new-to-us Suburban. It's green, but we are not; SUVs of this caliber are not known for their fuel economy. When you are a large family - fuel economy isn't #1 on the priority list.

-A conversation about unschooling has been started on my homeschool Yahoo group. Unschooling is totally fascinating to me and appeals the gypsy-artist part of who I am. But I must suffer from a mild form of multiple personality disorder because, the control freak in me just cannot do it for an extended period of time. I need to know that school is done for the day. And our unschooling days just smoosh into the evening and then into the next day and the next. We are never done learning. And part of me needs to be done. I need a box to check, or a "to-do" to cross of my list.

What I've learned to do is use the curriculum I purchase as a basic skeleton for our study. But I remind myself often, daily really, that curriculum is a tool, not a task master. So we go on rabbit trails and sometime lop of whole sections of the curriculum that we don't want to do. For example, last year we memorized a verse about putting on the full armour of God. This ignited my kids' imagination and launched us into a whole study of armour and the Middle Ages. We made models of castles, and cooked food from the Middle Ages. We made arts and crafts indicative of the time period. We checked out video's from the library on the Middle Ages and found books (both fiction and non-fiction) about that time period. I learned at least as much as the kids. It was fun. And when we were done I was ready to get back to our curriculum. It was good to wake up in the morning and open my instructor's guide, do what it said, then check school of the list of to-dos for the day.

-There is going to be a ritual killing here. Today, if I can manage it.

If you've been reading my blog you know I've been struggling with homeschool burn-out. It snuck up on me and knocked me flat on my butt. I'm spent. Wasted. So, I went on-line on looking for articles to help me out of this hole. I found a ton of articles about how to AVOID homeschool burnout. It's too late for that. I need a ladder, a way out.

This is where the ritual killing comes in.

Today I'm putting to death the SHOULDs in my life. You should be able to do this. You should manage your time better. You should have the baby on a better schedule. You should have more playdates for the kids. You should have figured out how to be disciplined about working out with 4 kids by now. You should teach spelling, and grammar and phonics, and science everyday. And you should do more crafts with the kids. You should help out at church more, and be more responsive to the needs of your friends. You should keep you grocery budget under control, and the kids would love it if you baked more gluten free snacks for them. Should. Should. Should.

Bottom line: I can't.
I'm a mere mortal.
Death to SHOULDS.

It's quite possible my kids will end up with a mediocre education. They may be homeschooled. They may survive the public school system with narry a scratch. And who knows: maybe I'll go back to work so I can send them to private school. I wonder if Starbucks is in the market for a totally inexperienced, thirty-something barista. I hear if you work there you get free coffee. That'd be good.

I need to remember I am not my children's Savior; I am only their mother. They will survive me; love covers a multitude of sins.

But "the shoulds" are not the only thing on the alter today. My pride needs to be placed there too. How arrogant of me to think that I can do it all...be it all. I am tired. I haven't slept in a year and a half. I am alone with my children almost 24/7. I have lived with the fear of losing my daughter for a long, long time. And that wears... it just does. Now that she is ours forever I find that I am still tired. So now I am humbled. The fascade of the "got it all together mom is crumbling. " Now it's just me saying..."Jesus, be my strength...grant me grace to love my children, and my husband and myself today. For your mercies are new every morning."