Adoption and Grief

Here's a thing I did not expect: Grief.

Adoption has been a long journey for us. I started down this path shortly after Bub turned 2 years old. It took Eddie awhile to jump on the band wagon, but he too has been on this journey for awhile. Bub will be 5 in a few weeks. That's 3 years.

Baby's adoption has been finalized for a few months now. And I thought I was at the end of our adoption journey. But now I find that I am grieving.

I did not expect it. I am blind-sided by it. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. I adore my daughter. She is a delight, a challenging delight, but a delight none the less. She is mine, and the courts agree. Grief makes no sense...but that is where I find myself today. I am not certain I can articulate why...but here is my best attempt:

We adopted our daughter, and there is still an orphan crisis. This process has opened my eyes to it, and my heart is raw from it. But there is little I can do. I would adopt them all if I could. But the reality is that I cannot. I don't mean this in a purely logistical, financial way.

I mean that I cannot do it.

I cannot parent more children.

I am stretched thin already.

Last year was about survival. We survived the uncertainty of foster to adopt. We survived the immediate health issues. We survived the social workers and the paperwork. We survived on very little sleep.

This year is about accepting a new reality. It's a reality in which a Suburban becomes the vehicle of choice and our grocery budget has skyrocketed (and not just because of the economy). It's a reality in which the challenge of homeschooling has multiplied exponentially. I could homeschool 3. But 3 plus a baby might just shove me over the edge.

Now allow me this bunny trail...when we were first considered adoption Eddie suggested that we consider other schooling choices. He was concerned about what I could handle, and, frankly, I was too. Last year we managed just fine, and I think it was due to the "paper weight" factor. My sister calls babies "glorified paper weights" because they don't go anywhere. They stay put. Baby is most definitely NOT staying put these days. And I am befuddled. We might just need to consider other options. And this is a loss.

Even now as I try to type there is a squiggly one year old vying for my attention. She wants to do "itsy bitsy spider" for the bazzilionth time this morning. Her version is nothing short of endearing. So how is it that I can be utterly smitten and grieving at the same time?

Light bulb moment!

I remember feeling this exact way my first year of marriage. I loved my husband...still do. But come to find out the reality of marriage fell somewhat short of the fairly tales. Happily ever after never happened. We were dirt poor, and not in the glamorous Hollywood way.
It was more like the student loan, sick of rice and beans way of being poor. Is marriage good? It is. Did I postpone my plans to travel Europe indefinitely? Yep.

Marriage cost me more than I thought it would. So did parenthood. And now, I can add adoption to the list. The thing with adoption is that I am still discovering the hidden costs of adding to our family, and with each new cost there is a bit of grief. Who knew?

So this is my heads up to all those in the process of adopting. Adoption is good. Do it. But be prepared to grieve loss you didn't expect.

It will be okay!