The Bible says, "A double-minded man is unstable in all his (read her) ways."
Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance. It happens when a person tries to hold two mutually exclusive ideas at once. For example, if I believe that I should reduce my consumption to help the environment, but also use Styrofoam plates every night for dinner I would experience some level of cognitive dissonance. Usually, people can't live with this kind of stress, and do some mental gymnastics to make the incongruous workable.
I am double-minded. It's creating stress...watch me attempt a round-off back flip-flop.
Competing ideas:
- I need to take care of myself. I need to take care of my children.
-Childhood/innocence should be protected. Children should be mentored through the hardship of the world, not protected from it.
-I know my children better than anyone else, and I am a good teacher. I am insane to think that I can teach 3 grade levels at once, while keeping tabs on a toddler and managing my home.
-This is a season of life. This might be a season, but I would like to enjoy this season, and I am losing my joy.
-My kids love the homeschool friends they have and enjoy playing with each other. My son gets lonely and depressed; he needs more interaction with people.
-I need to be out and about so my kids have a chance to socialize and be involved. I need to stay home so that we can finish school and the baby can have some semblance of order in her life.
-I want to be involved with ministry opportunities and in orphan care and advocacy. My primary ministry, at this point in life, is my children. And that should be enough.
-I love my kids, and have fun with them. I'm going to lose my mind if I cannot engage with people outside this family for more than a few hours a week.
-I love the flexibility and creativity that homeschooling brings into our life. I hate the clutter, and chaos that homeschooling brings into our life.
-I have a brain, and gifts and abilities that are itching to be used. I am using my gifts and abilities to teach my kids.
-I suck at housekeeping and administration. Why should I be a stay-at-home mom? I'm good at creating a warm and inviting home for my kids and husband. That makes me a good stay-at-home mom.
-Sending my kids to school would be better. Sending my kids to school would make my life challenging in a new way. The grass is not greener on the other side.
-I'm eyeball deep in expensive curriculum and homeschool paraphernalia. There is no way out. There is a way out: ebay and schoolbus is all I need.
Awww....heck, I'm confusing my own self. Forget the round-off back flip-flop. I'm not even good for a somersault. But all these different colored fonts are fun!
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2 comments:
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:9,10
Hi Steph,
I know we haven't started communicating much since we found each other on facebook...but this verse has been on my heart since you shared a few days ago that you are fighting discouragement.
I understand what you're going through. I can tell you that after having my kids in a "good" public school for 2 years, it was not really good for me. Sure I had time to go to the gym, go out to lunch with my friends, wander Target aimlessly, but when it came down to it I missed my kids. And each day when I picked them up I knew them less than I did the day before.
Maybe you need to look into some other options of part-time school. Do you have any university-model schools near you? We have one where hs kids can go to school two days a week for their core subjects and the other days are spent completing their assignments and enrichment at home. That sounds like something you may need right now.
I do have to agree with your assessment that your ministry is your family. I know that's hard when you have a heart for other areas. But imagine spending hours and hours away from your children doing adoption advocacy. I think that would be just as hard as what you're going through now.
I don't really know what else to say, but I am praying for you. Sister friend of many years ago...
Heather in Missouri
Heather - How good to hear from you! It'd be good re-connect sometime. Thank you for the encouragement.
I do forget that it's a trade off. I know I'd miss my kids, but man does it sound nice to go out to lunch with a friend unencumbered by four shortish people.
Reaping a harvest feels a long way off. But it's a marathon not a sprint, huh?
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