Discovering My Inner Wimp

I've entered a chapter in my life I like to call, "Discovering the Inner Wimp." Come with me on this journey of self-discovery. It's psychobabble curlyjo style.

So my M.O. thus far in life has been to deny feeling of insecurity, or fear, and act as if I am confident and unafraid. Generally, it serves me well. It keeps me from acting like a coward when otherwise I might. But in attempt to live authentically I am going to set aside my former ways.

I remember once as a child I overheard my grandpa say that I was the most shy child of all the sisters. I was outraged. "I am not shy", I thought. But years later I have discovered that, actually, I kinda am. I am discovering my inner wimp. It's why I blog instead of give speeches at Toast Masters.

So after all these years of repressing my inner wimp, why do I find this need confront my fears and insecurities head on. Well, oddly, it has a lot to do with choosing to put my kids in school. If we are going afford private school tuition then I am going to have to work, at least part time. I don't mind that; I'm looking forward to new challenges and change. But I am also completely and totally intimidated.

Over the last few years I have developed an expertise in homeschooling. I know curriculum. I know learning styles. I've read books, and gone to conferences. Homeschooling is safe for me. I know what I'm doing and I can do it in the privacy of my own home.

Now I have an opportunity to do some freelance instructional design and copy writing, possibly some training. I know I can do it. I am naturally wired to be a teacher, and writing is something I feel comfortable doing. This doesn't make me nervous. What makes me nervous is being seen. People (who are paying me) will read what I write. I will have to stand in front of adults and present new concepts and material. They might see the nervous 12 year old girl I feel like instead of the 30 something professional woman I am. And that is downright scary.

I am petrified! And kinda shy!

I feel like Moses sans long white beard, toga and staff. Moses was the man God chose to lead the Israelite Nation out of slavery in Egypt. But Moses didn't want to do it. He said he stuttered when he spoke, and couldn't possibly lead so many people. But eventually Moses did grow into the man who he was supposed to be. He led God's people to freedom.

But I understand the insecurity, and the desire to stay out of the spotlight.

Before Moses "Lead the Nation" gig, he was a shepherd. He'd done it for a long time, and it was comfortable. Safe. Confronting the Pharaoh of a powerful nation? Not so safe. And though I'm just talking about moving out of the safety of my little homeschool life, I feel like I'm doing the same thing. I'm moving from safety to risk, and in the process exposing my inner wimp.

Only this time it will be different. I will acknowledge my fear, and my feelings of insecurity. I will invite Jesus to tea with my inner wimp, and formally introduce the two. I will allow Christ to transform the fearful, childlike person inside and become the woman he has made me to be.