Adoption and Grief

Here's a thing I did not expect: Grief.

Adoption has been a long journey for us. I started down this path shortly after Bub turned 2 years old. It took Eddie awhile to jump on the band wagon, but he too has been on this journey for awhile. Bub will be 5 in a few weeks. That's 3 years.

Baby's adoption has been finalized for a few months now. And I thought I was at the end of our adoption journey. But now I find that I am grieving.

I did not expect it. I am blind-sided by it. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. I adore my daughter. She is a delight, a challenging delight, but a delight none the less. She is mine, and the courts agree. Grief makes no sense...but that is where I find myself today. I am not certain I can articulate why...but here is my best attempt:

We adopted our daughter, and there is still an orphan crisis. This process has opened my eyes to it, and my heart is raw from it. But there is little I can do. I would adopt them all if I could. But the reality is that I cannot. I don't mean this in a purely logistical, financial way.

I mean that I cannot do it.

I cannot parent more children.

I am stretched thin already.

Last year was about survival. We survived the uncertainty of foster to adopt. We survived the immediate health issues. We survived the social workers and the paperwork. We survived on very little sleep.

This year is about accepting a new reality. It's a reality in which a Suburban becomes the vehicle of choice and our grocery budget has skyrocketed (and not just because of the economy). It's a reality in which the challenge of homeschooling has multiplied exponentially. I could homeschool 3. But 3 plus a baby might just shove me over the edge.

Now allow me this bunny trail...when we were first considered adoption Eddie suggested that we consider other schooling choices. He was concerned about what I could handle, and, frankly, I was too. Last year we managed just fine, and I think it was due to the "paper weight" factor. My sister calls babies "glorified paper weights" because they don't go anywhere. They stay put. Baby is most definitely NOT staying put these days. And I am befuddled. We might just need to consider other options. And this is a loss.

Even now as I try to type there is a squiggly one year old vying for my attention. She wants to do "itsy bitsy spider" for the bazzilionth time this morning. Her version is nothing short of endearing. So how is it that I can be utterly smitten and grieving at the same time?

Light bulb moment!

I remember feeling this exact way my first year of marriage. I loved my husband...still do. But come to find out the reality of marriage fell somewhat short of the fairly tales. Happily ever after never happened. We were dirt poor, and not in the glamorous Hollywood way.
It was more like the student loan, sick of rice and beans way of being poor. Is marriage good? It is. Did I postpone my plans to travel Europe indefinitely? Yep.

Marriage cost me more than I thought it would. So did parenthood. And now, I can add adoption to the list. The thing with adoption is that I am still discovering the hidden costs of adding to our family, and with each new cost there is a bit of grief. Who knew?

So this is my heads up to all those in the process of adopting. Adoption is good. Do it. But be prepared to grieve loss you didn't expect.

It will be okay!

"All that, and a bag of chips"

This morning I woke up before the kids and got a" jump start" on the day. I was looking rather hip in my kelly green skirt and cute Gap top - "all that and a bag of chips", so to speak.

Well, things have gone down hill since then.

I got cold so I threw on a cable knit sweater. I still managed to look passably hip. But then I was STILL cold so I traded in my flirty skirt for some ratty gray sweat pants and a pair of my husband's tube socks. I pulled my too short hair into a,wadded-up ponytail just for good measure. If I'm going for the downtrodden housewife look I will not be accused of doing it in half-measures. I'm considering throwing an apron on over my sweats and cable knit sweater. I think it would make the perfect accessory - don't you?

My clothes pretty much reflect my day.

It started out well...I whipped up some homemade muffins, we practiced piano, went on a walk, did some laundry and miscellaneous chores. We read about Asia, in particular India and Pakistan. Then read some fascinating missionary stories. I even threw dinner in the crock pot. E read, and the kids busted out their handwriting. Impressive, no?

But now the baby is awake. The harder, more mom intensive subjects like Math, and phonics, and spelling are still on our to-do list. Oh, and I forgot to switch loads of laundry and I'm concerned that the chicken I bought is too big to get done by dinner time. The kitchen is messy and the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. I'm ignoring the kids in favor of venting, aka blogging. And I have half a laundry basket full of socks with mates MIA. My day has officially shifted from flirty skirt mode to ratty sweats mode.

Welcome to reality here at our house. If you cannot relate, please don't leave a comment...I only want to hear from people who know what it's like to get a flat tire, or a gigantic pimple. I'd be happy to respond to a story from a mom who's kid threw a hissy fit in the grocery store. And hey, if your kitchen floor is sticky, then I'm your gal.

Happy Monday!

criticism...

So you might have picked up on my recent bought of cynicism...mostly directed at Christians and homeschoolers.

Incidentally, I am passionately and unrepentantly a Christ-follower; I also homeschool.

Why the snotty attitude?

Well, partly it's my emotional state. But, partly it's an effort not to "throw the baby out with the bath water." The thing is: Christians can do some pretty dumb things. (note previous blog) But Jesus is not dumb.

Here is my philosophy: Keep Jesus. Take a long hard look at goof-ball dance routines before choosing to implement them in a church near you.

Sometimes we (Christians) can be downright idiotic, and other times we just need to evaluate what we are doing to see if its makes any sense. Sometimes were just stuck in a rut, or tradition that doesn't fit. Ultimately, the church isn't an institution. Its an organic, dynamic body; there is ebb and flow. We can be critical without undermining its integrity.

Same goes for homeschool. Its a good thing. In fact, I believe it's a really good thing and one of the coolest ways to learn. I love homeschooling for a lot of reasons. But it doesn't mean I always like to homeschool, or that homeschool is the best choice for my family. Take now, for instance, my kiddos LOVE homeschooling, but there is the distinct possibility I will lose my mind if I continue to homeschool them. And, lets just be honest here, homeschooling from a loony bin does present a number of logistical challenges. So, is homeschooling good? Absolutely. Is it the best for my family now? Debatable. And I can ask the question without undermining the choices other parents make for their family.

THIS IS FOR REAL

This is for real. Will Farrell was not involved. These are not paid actors. Watch it once; watch it twice and indulge in the guilty pleasure of laughing at the ridiculous Christians. It's like a freak show, only better...

Why, oh why, do we have to be so weird? Answer me that!

HOPE

Well were back at it. Homeschool, that is. I've made some positive changes in our approach.

-We've bagged our science curriculum in favor of "Myth Busters" and "Bill Nye the Science Guy". Kids learn tons watching that stuff, and heck, it's one more thing off my plate. Plus they're in science class at OPTIONS.

-We've bagged spelling for M. I've been homeschooling long enough to know that she'll learn when she's ready. And when she's ready she'll learn in weeks what would have taken us months to cover now. So I can fight it now, or wait and then breeze through material when she's ready. I'll wait, thank-you very much.

-We've bagged our language arts curriculum. M had already mastered the concepts in the first grade curriculum I bought. And the new language arts I have for E is way too writing intensive for a kid who genuinely hates to write. I had to walk him through everything and serve as scribe half the time. It was terrible. I'd forgotten that one of my goals is to create independent learners...if one of the curriculums I'm using creates dependence then that is counter productive. It's gotta go. Fast.

-Also, Eddie has agreed to read some of our "read-alouds" to the kids before bedtime. The kids love anything that puts off bedtime, plus it's quality time with dad, and it helps free up some of our time during the day.

-Baby only gets one nap a day, whether she likes it or not. True, she may fall asleep in her lunch, but I need her life to be predictable. My kids need to know what's expected of them and when; it cuts down on those sentences that start with, "BUT MOM...(whine gripe whine)."

-We'll only do our three R's while the baby is asleep. She tends to create havoc otherwise. If she wakes too early then we're done anyway. Some days it'll just have to do.

-I will lighten up! My mantra is: My children's performance does not define who I am. Some days we'll toss out the prescribed to-dos in favor of the park or museum. We WILL seize the day, to heck with E's evaluation at the end of this year. He's a bright kid. He'll do just fine...no need to panic. I will not live the next few month of my life in fear of a stupid evaluation.

Does this mean I'm a "lifer" and plan to homeschool my kids the whole way through. I have no idea. Does this mean I'm feeling less burnt out. I'm not sure. But it does mean that I've extended myself some grace. And that is a good place to start.

Irreverant

This link is not that nice. It's bitter, but at least it's clever and bitter. It say all the not nice things I want to say when someone comments about my choice to homeschool AND they catch me in a fiesty mood.

But, I must say I'm not just disgruntled at the non-homeschoolers. It's them homeschoolers too! I've been trying to find helpful articles about navigating homeschool burnout. But I can't find any that say sending your kids to school is a legitimate and sometimes appropriate option. Considering traditional school is not the same as handing your 10 year old a pack of cigarettes and a 40 then saying, "Go have fun!"

Sorry about that. I must be in one of my fiesty moods. I'll try to tone it down.

M

M is the second born in our family or as she says, "the middle child (sigh)". She enjoys the angst of this second class status. The middle child: forgotten and overlooked one. What a cross to bear. Or at least that's how she sees it.

She is also our oldest daughter, and a care taker to her very bones. She is six, and the other night she offered to get the baby ready for bed. She changed a the baby's diaper - a task that has daunted grown men. She "jammied" the baby, too. She gets the baby snacks and milk and, generally, dotes. Baby has 2 mommies - it's just that one is 6 years old.

M has one volume...it's not low. She is dramatic and sensitive, and shy and thoughtful. She is a monkey, sometimes brave and sometimes fearful. Bike riding makes her fearful, but today, after the better part of a year trying, she's done it. She can ride a two wheeler. HOORAY! We are so proud.

M love ponies, and twirly dresses. She positively shines when her daddy tells her she looks pretty. She likes to shop. She likes shoes, and having her toenails painted. She is a girly girl.

Of all our children she takes the most emotionally energy to parent (though the baby may give her a run for her money). Is this a girl thing? Eddie says it is and I'm relatively low maintenance. Okay, not super low - but certainly not high maintenance. Right, Honey? And do I look fat in this?

Tomorrow we hit the books again. I organized the schoolroom. M re-organized for me. She's arranged baby dolls along the base of the wall and moved the lamp next to the child sized rocker she drug in from the playroom. There is a display of Littlest Pets figurines.

THIS MAKES ME CRAZY! If I undo her work I'll probably hurt her feelings and we'll have to have a 45 minute emotional recovery time. So, I'm gonna suck it up and teach baby dolls tomorrow too. But it's worth it to have a daughter - especially one who like to shoe shop.

I was looking for a used cub scouts book for my son and found this. I know nothing about this book, or it's author...but the cover rocks. They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". But after seeing this cover, I think I'm inclined to disagree. I know...I just know I'd like to read this one.

I really want this t-shirt.

I know it's sacrilege or something...but still, it's cool don't you think?

Ben and Jerry

I am lactose intollerant.

I eat ice cream.

It's stupid. I always pay.

But Ben and Jerry came out with this new one called..."everything but the..."

They say it is "a collision of chocolate and vanilla ice cream mixed wht Heath Bar Chuncks, White Chocolate Chunks, Peanut Butter Cups, and Chocolate Covered Almonds" (Got that right from the container, which is sitting in front of me. Empty. )

It's mighty fine, and very rich. I got 5 servings out of 1 pint.

It must be good because I'm willing to endure the stomach ache, and the itchy-puffy lips I get from the almonds. Yep-you can add those to the ever increasing list of things I'm allergic to.

2 hours left of my kid-free day...gotta run

stream of conciousness...a glimpse into my messy brain

-I've figured out how to type with an injured middle finger....where there is a will there is a way.

-This afternooon we're going to sign some the papers to finalize the purchase of a new-to-us Suburban. It's green, but we are not; SUVs of this caliber are not known for their fuel economy. When you are a large family - fuel economy isn't #1 on the priority list.

-A conversation about unschooling has been started on my homeschool Yahoo group. Unschooling is totally fascinating to me and appeals the gypsy-artist part of who I am. But I must suffer from a mild form of multiple personality disorder because, the control freak in me just cannot do it for an extended period of time. I need to know that school is done for the day. And our unschooling days just smoosh into the evening and then into the next day and the next. We are never done learning. And part of me needs to be done. I need a box to check, or a "to-do" to cross of my list.

What I've learned to do is use the curriculum I purchase as a basic skeleton for our study. But I remind myself often, daily really, that curriculum is a tool, not a task master. So we go on rabbit trails and sometime lop of whole sections of the curriculum that we don't want to do. For example, last year we memorized a verse about putting on the full armour of God. This ignited my kids' imagination and launched us into a whole study of armour and the Middle Ages. We made models of castles, and cooked food from the Middle Ages. We made arts and crafts indicative of the time period. We checked out video's from the library on the Middle Ages and found books (both fiction and non-fiction) about that time period. I learned at least as much as the kids. It was fun. And when we were done I was ready to get back to our curriculum. It was good to wake up in the morning and open my instructor's guide, do what it said, then check school of the list of to-dos for the day.

-There is going to be a ritual killing here. Today, if I can manage it.

If you've been reading my blog you know I've been struggling with homeschool burn-out. It snuck up on me and knocked me flat on my butt. I'm spent. Wasted. So, I went on-line on looking for articles to help me out of this hole. I found a ton of articles about how to AVOID homeschool burnout. It's too late for that. I need a ladder, a way out.

This is where the ritual killing comes in.

Today I'm putting to death the SHOULDs in my life. You should be able to do this. You should manage your time better. You should have the baby on a better schedule. You should have more playdates for the kids. You should have figured out how to be disciplined about working out with 4 kids by now. You should teach spelling, and grammar and phonics, and science everyday. And you should do more crafts with the kids. You should help out at church more, and be more responsive to the needs of your friends. You should keep you grocery budget under control, and the kids would love it if you baked more gluten free snacks for them. Should. Should. Should.

Bottom line: I can't.
I'm a mere mortal.
Death to SHOULDS.

It's quite possible my kids will end up with a mediocre education. They may be homeschooled. They may survive the public school system with narry a scratch. And who knows: maybe I'll go back to work so I can send them to private school. I wonder if Starbucks is in the market for a totally inexperienced, thirty-something barista. I hear if you work there you get free coffee. That'd be good.

I need to remember I am not my children's Savior; I am only their mother. They will survive me; love covers a multitude of sins.

But "the shoulds" are not the only thing on the alter today. My pride needs to be placed there too. How arrogant of me to think that I can do it all...be it all. I am tired. I haven't slept in a year and a half. I am alone with my children almost 24/7. I have lived with the fear of losing my daughter for a long, long time. And that wears... it just does. Now that she is ours forever I find that I am still tired. So now I am humbled. The fascade of the "got it all together mom is crumbling. " Now it's just me saying..."Jesus, be my strength...grant me grace to love my children, and my husband and myself today. For your mercies are new every morning."

errrr

i cut my middle finger on the freaking food processor. It's bad. I splinted it. I might be flipping you off right now,or it might just look like it because I can't bend my middle finger. You'll never know.

blogs will be brief until my finger has full mobility....

some things in life make you just wanna cuss; this is one.

UNCLE

"Uncle!", she cried. "I can't take it anymore."

Because homeschooling is like parenting on steroids, and I find myself too depleted for the task we declared a state of emergency. Classes will cancelled until further notice, or at least until next Monday, whichever comes first.

If you're a kid living in our home this works out pretty well.

Yesterday, the kids went on a picnic and played at the park. Their morning was totally free, so they decided to play "poor people living on a houseboat." (The houseboat looked surprisingly like the boy's bunk bed to me, but in their imaginations it had been transformed.) Anyway, while folding laundry I caught glimpses of their conversation. Here's what I heard, "We're so poor that we only have and ipod for music in our whole house."

Hmmm...I think it would be fair to say that my kid's grasp on poverty is somewhat flimsy. My sister said it more bluntly, "You're kids suck at playing poor people."

I do too.

This is what I mean:

My grocery getter (a Dodge Caravan) has 130,000 miles on it. It needs new brakes, and new tires. And in it's declining years its sure to need some additional maintenance. Eddie is going to be traveling more for work, and I really want a reliable vehicle whiles he's gone. SOOOO....we are in the market for a new vehicle. We're stressing about what kind of vehicle to buy. How much should we spend? How much can we afford? Should we wait? Should we buy now? And on and on it goes....then in the middle of this discussion it hit me.

We are ridiculous.

All around the world people are wondering how they will get their next meal, and we are stressing about what (second) car to buy.

Tahoe?
Trailblazer?
Suburban?
Or another minivan?

(And for the environmentally conscious out there we do realize that a Suburban doesn't get great gas mileage, but let me remind you: WE HAVE 4 CHILDREN - it's that or a school bus.)

Then I thought: "Here I am stressing out about continuing to homeschool, and considering my options for public school and private school." Really, these are all good options.

Lord, thank you that I live in the most prosperous country on Earth. Thank you for all the good options that I have for my kid's school and for transportation. Help us to be wise and faithful stewards of the things you've entrusted to us - from our children to our cash.

Why I like homeschooling.

I'm a smidge addicted to blogging. Can one be a smidge addicted? Hmmm...that philosophical question will have to wait for another day. Right now I'm going to try to remind myself why I like homeschool.

1-Field trips - museums, farms, nature walks, picnics at the park... its all school.

2-Great books - I feel like I'm learning so much for the first time as I teach my kids. Did you know that the East coast of South America is heavily influenced by African culture because of colonization and the slave trade? Me either.

3- Pancakes for Breakfast, because we don't have to hustle out the door in the morning.

4 - More time for creative play for my kids

5 - OPTIONS (our 1 day a week, publicly funded school program) M's taking art, piano and dance, and Spanish, and she loves it all. E's in science, and history and piano, and all sorts of fun classes with great teachers and great friends.

6 - Watching my kids "get it". It's fascinating watching a kid learn to read, or discover the pattern that makes math facts work.

7 - My kids HAVE to be good friends - it's survival.

8 - I've met fabulous women because of our homeschooling connection. They are smart, and dedicated and fun - and they don't wear denim jumpers.

9- Watching my kids faith grow.

10 - Those special moments - few and far between - when I know I would have missed out had my kids been in school.

Homeschool is a good thing, and it has been good for our family. Last year I really struggled with whether I should homeschool or not. It's never an easy choice for me. But having my kids home last year ended up being a huge blessing for our family. My older kids had to help care for their baby sister. They saw adoption first hand, and learned to love selflessly. They have such a sweet bond, and got to participate fully in that part of our family's journey. I don't look back with regrets.

Cognitive Dissonance

The Bible says, "A double-minded man is unstable in all his (read her) ways."

Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance. It happens when a person tries to hold two mutually exclusive ideas at once. For example, if I believe that I should reduce my consumption to help the environment, but also use Styrofoam plates every night for dinner I would experience some level of cognitive dissonance. Usually, people can't live with this kind of stress, and do some mental gymnastics to make the incongruous workable.

I am double-minded. It's creating stress...watch me attempt a round-off back flip-flop.

Competing ideas:
- I need to take care of myself. I need to take care of my children.

-Childhood/innocence should be protected. Children should be mentored through the hardship of the world, not protected from it.

-I know my children better than anyone else, and I am a good teacher. I am insane to think that I can teach 3 grade levels at once, while keeping tabs on a toddler and managing my home.

-This is a season of life. This might be a season, but I would like to enjoy this season, and I am losing my joy.

-My kids love the homeschool friends they have and enjoy playing with each other. My son gets lonely and depressed; he needs more interaction with people.

-I need to be out and about so my kids have a chance to socialize and be involved. I need to stay home so that we can finish school and the baby can have some semblance of order in her life.

-I want to be involved with ministry opportunities and in orphan care and advocacy. My primary ministry, at this point in life, is my children. And that should be enough.

-I love my kids, and have fun with them. I'm going to lose my mind if I cannot engage with people outside this family for more than a few hours a week.

-I love the flexibility and creativity that homeschooling brings into our life. I hate the clutter, and chaos that homeschooling brings into our life.

-I have a brain, and gifts and abilities that are itching to be used. I am using my gifts and abilities to teach my kids.

-I suck at housekeeping and administration. Why should I be a stay-at-home mom? I'm good at creating a warm and inviting home for my kids and husband. That makes me a good stay-at-home mom.

-Sending my kids to school would be better. Sending my kids to school would make my life challenging in a new way. The grass is not greener on the other side.

-I'm eyeball deep in expensive curriculum and homeschool paraphernalia. There is no way out. There is a way out: ebay and schoolbus is all I need.

Awww....heck, I'm confusing my own self. Forget the round-off back flip-flop. I'm not even good for a somersault. But all these different colored fonts are fun!

-

Burnout...

It's one thing to blog about my mouse problem, or my ideas on church; it's something else to share what what's eating at my heart. That's vulnerable in a way I'm not sure I want to be on a blog. Apparently, people read this. I'm glad you do; I'm just not sure why.

But, today, I'll give you a window into my heart, on the off chance you'll be encouraged by my struggle. It's official...4 years into homeschooling I'm struggling with burnout. Talk to any veteran homeschooler and they'll tell you that almost everyone who homeschools eventually hits this wall. Talk to any socieologist and they'll tell you that caretaking professions expereince high employee turnover. Nursing homes, preschools, special-needs school, ministries, and the like are especially prone. They forget about homeschooing. Caring for people is emotionally costly, and it can leave you bankrupt if your not mindful. I forgot to pay attention; my emotional checking account is fast approaching a zero balance.

I'm pretty introspective and analytical. Eventually, I'll get to a point where I can evaluate the emotional vampires in my life and restructure things in a way that is balanced. But now, I'm tired. It's the bone deep kind of exhaustion. I feel sad, and weepy. But it's homeschool specific. The other areas of my life don't feel like such a drain. It's homeschooling that looms over my head, and I'm not sure what to do with that. My first thought is to bail on homeschooling. But the words of an old pastor ring in my head. He said, "Never doubt in the darkness, what God has clearly shown you in the light."

The problem is that I didn't really pray about homeschooling this year. I just assumed that's what we'd do. I never felt like I heard from God about it - I just leapt.

Note to self: pray then leap.

Now, I'm stuck in the precarious position of having leapt into this year's schooling without the confidence that this is the best decision for our family. And now that I'm feeling burntout I think that my decision making would be unduly influenced by my exhaustion.

What to do?

The phonelines are open people...have you struggled with burnout? What did you do?

More church stuff.

There is this person I know. I think he's pretty obnoxious. He's also sorta high up in a well known ministry, and an "elder" of a church I attended. It's, at least partly, a personality thing. He just bugs me, but also, he's obnoxious - and I have a high tolerance for obnoxiousness, if I do say so myself.

Well this guy introduced the church to a concept called "transformational community". I so hate the term transformational community. The words send a shiver down my spine. They have all sorts of baggage that they should not.

Basically, a transformational community is a type of missional church: a church that engages in the community, and then through community individual lives are changed. It's a church that helps people find their way back to God. This, I am not opposed to.

But the buzz words "transformational community" mean a whole lot of hocus pocus to me. Cheese ball movie clips, sermons with exactly zero substance, and conflict over the whole mess of it. It's like church became a stand-up, sit-down, rah! rah! rah!, sorority pledge meets Jesus event.

Yuck!

So on the one hand you've got the Baptist Church of my early childhood. It's members KNEW the Bible. Ask anyone in attendance where Leviticus is and they'd have their Bible opened and be reading you their favorite passage in under 10 seconds. Baptists are the Michael Phelps of scripture memory. They can also be thoroughly disengaged from the real world.

And then there is Mr. Obnoxious who tried to try to make church so palatable to everyone that it lost it's flavor entirely. That and the protein. Think rice cake meets church.

So where is the balance?

I don't have an answer precisely. I'm asking the question. I think, though, that it has something to do with discipleship. Jesus said, "follow me" to his disciples, and then he walked with them, and lived with them, and taught them until they were mature enough for leadership. And then the process repeated itself. And I think that's how it should be.

Who cares if you have a bazzillion people attending your rice cake Sunday morning church service? There is no victory in that.

But

Who cares if you've got a handful of old codger Baptists who like to hang around each other and quote scripture for fun? If Christ hasn't transformed their lives enough so that they wish to engage their culture and share Christ's love, then to hell with it. And I mean that literally.

Hmm...How do we become a missional church? AND How do we grow up? Form and substance, people. Form and substance.

Brain vomit and church too!

(Thank you for that catchy title, Gretchen; I've been waiting for a chance to use it.)

-If you scroll down to the very bottom of my blog you will notice an ad, placed by Google, for pest control. This makes me chuckle. No more mice yet...sneaky little suckers.

-My new friend, Angela, just met her 2 Ethiopian kids today for the first time. Now she's a mom of 4! Adoption rocks!

-We went to Berry Patch Farms for a field trip today. Baby, stomped in the first mud puddle she saw, and spent the rest of the time sitting in the middle of the berry patch dumping handfuls of dirt on herself. When you're one this is 45 minutes of good entertainment. "Dirt Ball" doesn't even begin to describe how very filthy she was. But, she was happy, and the rest of us picked a bunch of delicious berries. Today, I liked homeschooling.

-So I played this little game called, "If I got to dream up the very best possible church environment what would it look like?" I made Eddie play too. But he sorta sucks at these type of games. He's entirely too practical, and that's not the point. I'm dreaming here:
-In my church there would be no pews, or benches, or matching chairs. Instead, there would be little clusters of overstuffed chairs and coffee tables - like those quirky little bookstores/coffeeshops I used to go to when we lived in Boulder. It would foster discussion, and community.
-In my church, there might be stained glass, and there would certainly would be art on the walls.
-The music would be worshipful and it would combine the best of reverent old hymns and contemporary worship styles.
-It would smell good - like freshly brewed coffee, or vanilla, or cookies.
-We'd serve coffee, and muffins. And communion would be gluten -free.
-In my church I would never feel obligated to serve in the nursery, but always feel like my kids were well cared for.
-There would be a children's program, but sometimes the church community would worship together - kids and adults alike. Childhood would be valued - and kids would have opportunities to contribute.
-There would be bookshelves - and a library of sorts .
-The pastor would not stand up on a stage, but somehow he'd teach from a overstuffed chair. And maybe the teacher would be a woman - and she'd be gifted and insightful, and used by God and no one would make a big stink about the fact that she was a woman.
-It'd be like Cheers - "a place where everyone knows your name." Only better, because some people would know your heart too!

Eddie said, " It sounds like your church would meet in someones living room."

Well yeah, actually, it does.

I like our church community, and I don't even totally hate the metal folding chairs we sit in. It's a good group of people and there isn't a overstuffed chair in sight. But I guess I think church happens best in family rooms and living rooms. I like the idea of a decentralized, organic church. I don't exactly know how that works.

Baby's up, and I need to be productive!

EWWWW!

I am so disgusted.

We found mouse poo. And where there is mouse poo there are mice...never mouse, always mice.

So I set the trap, and this morning we caught a rather large and juicy mouse. I made Eddie toss it out. The good thing about being married is that I can play the "girl" card every once in a while. And if ever there was cause to be girly it's a mouse in the house...well mice. Even now I feel like I'm hyperventelating. I so so so hate mice.

Please pray for me. My knight in shining armour is out of town on business, and if we catch more mice tonight then I will be the parent in charge of disposing of deceased rodents.

I can do it, right? I'm a woman in my 30s. I'm at my fat weight. I'm bigger, stronger, smarter, and even faster than a dead mouse.

Help me, Jesus!

They Like Jesus, but Not The Church...

Flowers from my garden. Just because.
Book I've been reading. Just because. And it's made me think.

I've been thinking about what it means to be a church. Why it works, and mostly, why it doesn't.This post is a way for me to unscramble my brain around the issue. I'm giving fair warning: It could be messy.

The thing is: the world is changing. We don't live in the time of industrialization; the assembly line is passe. We are in a new time. They call it the post-modern era. Just saying, "post-modern" makes many right-wing conservative Christians cringe. They think of moral relativism, and the new age movement, and they warn about the dangers of engaging emerging ideas.

And they've been left in the dust.

Church has become irrelevant to many from the ages of 18 to 35ish. Not Jesus. Church.

It used to be that every person you met on the street went to the Baptist church, or the Methodist one, or the Lutheran, and depending on the community,there were the Catholics. Church, and Judeo-Christian values were central to the community. But I think that time has passed. The traditional Judeo-Christian ethic used to be a centralizing, community building force.

But now, church seems like a waste of time. It's hierarchical, patriarchal, and cliche-ish. And if it not, it sure is perceived to be. The post modern world has deconstructed the notions of clergy/lay-people, christian/non-christian.

So how can you be a community of Christ-followers when the old model of "doing church" doesn't work? And how do you create a culture within the community that is relevant to a generation who thinks differently? Some people say that church is for Christians. And that is true. But the CHURCH, the organic community of Christ-followers, is still the bride of Christ and the representation of Christ's love to the world. So it's not a just about Christians. It's about telling people who don't know, that there is a God; he loves them, they can know him. And doing it in a way that matters. Doing it in a way that is relevant and authentic.

So there you go.. Part 1.

My Life in Pictures

Brazilian Cheese Ball thingys we made when we studied Central America this week.
Tomatoes on their way to becoming sauce. All from my garden, thank you very much!

Cup of water beside my daughters bed. Yes, it does have a golf ball in it. No, I don't know why.
Empty trash can sitting on top a pile of trash under the bathroom sink. When I said, "empty the trash cans" this is NOT what I had in mind.
Guess the baby is a better climber than we thought....

A new box of crayons is irresistable to my daughter, and truth be told I can't blame her. Don't they just make you want to color?

At Our House...

-We ate oatmeal raisin cookies for breakfast...really.

-Eddie and I sipped coffee in the living room and told the kids "we're on a date; pretend you can't see us".

-We ate leftovers for lunch and went to the park with four kids, 3 bikes, and one stroller. It was less than restful. We're teaching M to ride a bike...we have been for the last year...there are some fear issues. Eddie remarked, "She is literally giggling and crying at the same time. How is that possible?"

-There is a pile of unfolded clean laundry on the floor because I choose to take a nap and blog instead of fold. Laundry will NEVER be done. So as long as everyone has clean socks and underware I consider myself victorious. Ya gotta let your standards slip a little when your homeschooling with 4 kids.

-Eddie thinks we should go get ice cream for dinner. Cookies for breakfast, ice cream for dinner....the kids will not come down from their sugar high for hours.

-I need to get groceries...hence the cookies and ice cream.

-things were tidy and picked up at 7AM, but they are messy now.

-I don't dust unless I can see the dust.

-We have a GIGANTIC flat screen TV that we got for free, just in time for cable...OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN!!

Cookies, ice cream , cable....no mom of the year awards for me.

I wish I were a liberal.

So I think it'd be really cool to have a black president. We're due. After all those white guys named George, and John, and Theodore it's down right refreshing to consider a dude named Barak.

And let's face it, on the "charisma - o - meter" Obama's is zipping along quite nicely. McCain...well, not so much.

I really, really, really don't want to be a Republican. But I am. It's so disappointing. I don't want to align myself with THOSE people. But the thing I can't get past is my inherit disbelief in government's ability to adequately deal with social injustices.

It's from government that we get programs like medicare, and social services, and social security. Yes, I'm glad we have them. But man, are they a study in bueacratic nightmares.

I agree with Obama, "I am my brothers' keeper; I am my sisters' keeper." We do have a responsiblity to care for our neighbors. And those who have been blessed SHOULD reach out and serve those who are in dire straights.

But governments are just terrible at administering this stuff.

It's gotta be grassroots. Bring your neighbor cookies, or become a foster family. Give to the private homeless shelter. That might work. That might bring change. But I am skeptical of government programs.

You can register as a democrat. You can register as a republican. Can you register as a cynic?

ON GROWING UP

This morning sucked!

Last night sucked, too!

The problem? Parenting is HARD! So, because parenting is hard I've decided to quit homeschooling. Homeschooling is really just an extension of parenting. And the main problem with homeschooling, as I see it, is that my kids are at home.

With me.

All the time.

So, while I am teaching about Central America I am parenting. And while we review math lessons I am parenting. And when I ask what sound the letter "A" makes, I am parenting. And it is HARD. Because being at home, teaching my kids is like living in a pressure cooker where character flaws and sin issues bubble to the surface. And as the pressure builds the character flaws explode leaving an substantial mess. And I am faced with the ugliness that my children and I are capable of.

How's that for a sales pitch for homeschooling?

But here is why I can't quit yet:

Eddie has this guy working for him who is struggling. He's not meeting deadlines; he's not following through. He's making excuses, and trying to please people, all the while not doing the things he knows NEED to be done.

So, Eddie had a little "Come to Jesus" meeting with this guy. He emphasized the importance of doing what you say you do when you say you will do it. He said, that "I don't know." is not a sufficient excuse for laziness. And I'm sure he waxed eloquent on the need to be trustworthy, and honest, and thoughtful.

It was, verbatim, the lecture I gave to one of my children.

The point is that, as a manager, Eddie is having to do some remedial parenting. Now to be fair, my husband does a job (with excellence) that would make most people consider leaping off a tall building. It's really hard. But, guess what, being a grown-up is hard. And this guy Eddie's training has a serious growing up to do.

Tell the truth.
Work hard.
Follow through.
Ask questions.
Show respect.

Day after day, lesson after lesson I'm teaching my kids these things. And they are at least as important as phonics, and spelling and math and history. I'm training them now so some boss in their future isn't stuck with the unpleasant task of parenting a 30 year old employee.

You don't have to homeschool to parent. But for me parenting and schooling are so smooshed together that sometimes I lose perspective. I think I don't like homeschooling when the real problem is that I'm tired of parenting.

I'm not saying I don't love being a parent. I'm just saying that sometimes its exhausting. And the tired me wants to throw in the towel.

But I won't! And when it gets to be putting one foot in front of the other I WILL do it. I won't flake on my responsibility to love and train my kids.

Because it matters.

"Do you not know, that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize. Run in such a way as to win."

AIDS ORPHANS IN AFRICA

Curious just how many AIDS orphans are living in Africa? I thought you were. Click here.

So, friend, what are we going to do about it?

Quick update.

We've never had cable TV. Never. Mostly, because I'm philosphically opposed to spending money to rot my brain out in front of the tube. I have dug in my heals, thrown my weight around and generally been annoying whenever the topic of getting cable gets brought up. I'be been successful at resisting for nigh on 10 years.

My Hubby LOVES the History channel. I mean LOVES it - to the point of obsession.
So, recently he did a little homework and discovered that it only costs us 5 bucks a month to add cable to our cable internet plan.

Guess who has cable TV? My kids were giddy when they discovered all the channels we have. They've watch hours and hours of TV this weekend. And I've watched a few too.

I raged against the machine...and I lost. But, you know, the History Channel is kinda interesting.

All that to say: the cable guy screwed up our internet access...so blogging maybe hit or miss till we get Comcast back out here.