Adoption and Grief

Here's a thing I did not expect: Grief.

Adoption has been a long journey for us. I started down this path shortly after Bub turned 2 years old. It took Eddie awhile to jump on the band wagon, but he too has been on this journey for awhile. Bub will be 5 in a few weeks. That's 3 years.

Baby's adoption has been finalized for a few months now. And I thought I was at the end of our adoption journey. But now I find that I am grieving.

I did not expect it. I am blind-sided by it. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. I adore my daughter. She is a delight, a challenging delight, but a delight none the less. She is mine, and the courts agree. Grief makes no sense...but that is where I find myself today. I am not certain I can articulate why...but here is my best attempt:

We adopted our daughter, and there is still an orphan crisis. This process has opened my eyes to it, and my heart is raw from it. But there is little I can do. I would adopt them all if I could. But the reality is that I cannot. I don't mean this in a purely logistical, financial way.

I mean that I cannot do it.

I cannot parent more children.

I am stretched thin already.

Last year was about survival. We survived the uncertainty of foster to adopt. We survived the immediate health issues. We survived the social workers and the paperwork. We survived on very little sleep.

This year is about accepting a new reality. It's a reality in which a Suburban becomes the vehicle of choice and our grocery budget has skyrocketed (and not just because of the economy). It's a reality in which the challenge of homeschooling has multiplied exponentially. I could homeschool 3. But 3 plus a baby might just shove me over the edge.

Now allow me this bunny trail...when we were first considered adoption Eddie suggested that we consider other schooling choices. He was concerned about what I could handle, and, frankly, I was too. Last year we managed just fine, and I think it was due to the "paper weight" factor. My sister calls babies "glorified paper weights" because they don't go anywhere. They stay put. Baby is most definitely NOT staying put these days. And I am befuddled. We might just need to consider other options. And this is a loss.

Even now as I try to type there is a squiggly one year old vying for my attention. She wants to do "itsy bitsy spider" for the bazzilionth time this morning. Her version is nothing short of endearing. So how is it that I can be utterly smitten and grieving at the same time?

Light bulb moment!

I remember feeling this exact way my first year of marriage. I loved my husband...still do. But come to find out the reality of marriage fell somewhat short of the fairly tales. Happily ever after never happened. We were dirt poor, and not in the glamorous Hollywood way.
It was more like the student loan, sick of rice and beans way of being poor. Is marriage good? It is. Did I postpone my plans to travel Europe indefinitely? Yep.

Marriage cost me more than I thought it would. So did parenthood. And now, I can add adoption to the list. The thing with adoption is that I am still discovering the hidden costs of adding to our family, and with each new cost there is a bit of grief. Who knew?

So this is my heads up to all those in the process of adopting. Adoption is good. Do it. But be prepared to grieve loss you didn't expect.

It will be okay!

"All that, and a bag of chips"

This morning I woke up before the kids and got a" jump start" on the day. I was looking rather hip in my kelly green skirt and cute Gap top - "all that and a bag of chips", so to speak.

Well, things have gone down hill since then.

I got cold so I threw on a cable knit sweater. I still managed to look passably hip. But then I was STILL cold so I traded in my flirty skirt for some ratty gray sweat pants and a pair of my husband's tube socks. I pulled my too short hair into a,wadded-up ponytail just for good measure. If I'm going for the downtrodden housewife look I will not be accused of doing it in half-measures. I'm considering throwing an apron on over my sweats and cable knit sweater. I think it would make the perfect accessory - don't you?

My clothes pretty much reflect my day.

It started out well...I whipped up some homemade muffins, we practiced piano, went on a walk, did some laundry and miscellaneous chores. We read about Asia, in particular India and Pakistan. Then read some fascinating missionary stories. I even threw dinner in the crock pot. E read, and the kids busted out their handwriting. Impressive, no?

But now the baby is awake. The harder, more mom intensive subjects like Math, and phonics, and spelling are still on our to-do list. Oh, and I forgot to switch loads of laundry and I'm concerned that the chicken I bought is too big to get done by dinner time. The kitchen is messy and the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. I'm ignoring the kids in favor of venting, aka blogging. And I have half a laundry basket full of socks with mates MIA. My day has officially shifted from flirty skirt mode to ratty sweats mode.

Welcome to reality here at our house. If you cannot relate, please don't leave a comment...I only want to hear from people who know what it's like to get a flat tire, or a gigantic pimple. I'd be happy to respond to a story from a mom who's kid threw a hissy fit in the grocery store. And hey, if your kitchen floor is sticky, then I'm your gal.

Happy Monday!

criticism...

So you might have picked up on my recent bought of cynicism...mostly directed at Christians and homeschoolers.

Incidentally, I am passionately and unrepentantly a Christ-follower; I also homeschool.

Why the snotty attitude?

Well, partly it's my emotional state. But, partly it's an effort not to "throw the baby out with the bath water." The thing is: Christians can do some pretty dumb things. (note previous blog) But Jesus is not dumb.

Here is my philosophy: Keep Jesus. Take a long hard look at goof-ball dance routines before choosing to implement them in a church near you.

Sometimes we (Christians) can be downright idiotic, and other times we just need to evaluate what we are doing to see if its makes any sense. Sometimes were just stuck in a rut, or tradition that doesn't fit. Ultimately, the church isn't an institution. Its an organic, dynamic body; there is ebb and flow. We can be critical without undermining its integrity.

Same goes for homeschool. Its a good thing. In fact, I believe it's a really good thing and one of the coolest ways to learn. I love homeschooling for a lot of reasons. But it doesn't mean I always like to homeschool, or that homeschool is the best choice for my family. Take now, for instance, my kiddos LOVE homeschooling, but there is the distinct possibility I will lose my mind if I continue to homeschool them. And, lets just be honest here, homeschooling from a loony bin does present a number of logistical challenges. So, is homeschooling good? Absolutely. Is it the best for my family now? Debatable. And I can ask the question without undermining the choices other parents make for their family.

THIS IS FOR REAL

This is for real. Will Farrell was not involved. These are not paid actors. Watch it once; watch it twice and indulge in the guilty pleasure of laughing at the ridiculous Christians. It's like a freak show, only better...

Why, oh why, do we have to be so weird? Answer me that!

HOPE

Well were back at it. Homeschool, that is. I've made some positive changes in our approach.

-We've bagged our science curriculum in favor of "Myth Busters" and "Bill Nye the Science Guy". Kids learn tons watching that stuff, and heck, it's one more thing off my plate. Plus they're in science class at OPTIONS.

-We've bagged spelling for M. I've been homeschooling long enough to know that she'll learn when she's ready. And when she's ready she'll learn in weeks what would have taken us months to cover now. So I can fight it now, or wait and then breeze through material when she's ready. I'll wait, thank-you very much.

-We've bagged our language arts curriculum. M had already mastered the concepts in the first grade curriculum I bought. And the new language arts I have for E is way too writing intensive for a kid who genuinely hates to write. I had to walk him through everything and serve as scribe half the time. It was terrible. I'd forgotten that one of my goals is to create independent learners...if one of the curriculums I'm using creates dependence then that is counter productive. It's gotta go. Fast.

-Also, Eddie has agreed to read some of our "read-alouds" to the kids before bedtime. The kids love anything that puts off bedtime, plus it's quality time with dad, and it helps free up some of our time during the day.

-Baby only gets one nap a day, whether she likes it or not. True, she may fall asleep in her lunch, but I need her life to be predictable. My kids need to know what's expected of them and when; it cuts down on those sentences that start with, "BUT MOM...(whine gripe whine)."

-We'll only do our three R's while the baby is asleep. She tends to create havoc otherwise. If she wakes too early then we're done anyway. Some days it'll just have to do.

-I will lighten up! My mantra is: My children's performance does not define who I am. Some days we'll toss out the prescribed to-dos in favor of the park or museum. We WILL seize the day, to heck with E's evaluation at the end of this year. He's a bright kid. He'll do just fine...no need to panic. I will not live the next few month of my life in fear of a stupid evaluation.

Does this mean I'm a "lifer" and plan to homeschool my kids the whole way through. I have no idea. Does this mean I'm feeling less burnt out. I'm not sure. But it does mean that I've extended myself some grace. And that is a good place to start.

Irreverant

This link is not that nice. It's bitter, but at least it's clever and bitter. It say all the not nice things I want to say when someone comments about my choice to homeschool AND they catch me in a fiesty mood.

But, I must say I'm not just disgruntled at the non-homeschoolers. It's them homeschoolers too! I've been trying to find helpful articles about navigating homeschool burnout. But I can't find any that say sending your kids to school is a legitimate and sometimes appropriate option. Considering traditional school is not the same as handing your 10 year old a pack of cigarettes and a 40 then saying, "Go have fun!"

Sorry about that. I must be in one of my fiesty moods. I'll try to tone it down.

M

M is the second born in our family or as she says, "the middle child (sigh)". She enjoys the angst of this second class status. The middle child: forgotten and overlooked one. What a cross to bear. Or at least that's how she sees it.

She is also our oldest daughter, and a care taker to her very bones. She is six, and the other night she offered to get the baby ready for bed. She changed a the baby's diaper - a task that has daunted grown men. She "jammied" the baby, too. She gets the baby snacks and milk and, generally, dotes. Baby has 2 mommies - it's just that one is 6 years old.

M has one volume...it's not low. She is dramatic and sensitive, and shy and thoughtful. She is a monkey, sometimes brave and sometimes fearful. Bike riding makes her fearful, but today, after the better part of a year trying, she's done it. She can ride a two wheeler. HOORAY! We are so proud.

M love ponies, and twirly dresses. She positively shines when her daddy tells her she looks pretty. She likes to shop. She likes shoes, and having her toenails painted. She is a girly girl.

Of all our children she takes the most emotionally energy to parent (though the baby may give her a run for her money). Is this a girl thing? Eddie says it is and I'm relatively low maintenance. Okay, not super low - but certainly not high maintenance. Right, Honey? And do I look fat in this?

Tomorrow we hit the books again. I organized the schoolroom. M re-organized for me. She's arranged baby dolls along the base of the wall and moved the lamp next to the child sized rocker she drug in from the playroom. There is a display of Littlest Pets figurines.

THIS MAKES ME CRAZY! If I undo her work I'll probably hurt her feelings and we'll have to have a 45 minute emotional recovery time. So, I'm gonna suck it up and teach baby dolls tomorrow too. But it's worth it to have a daughter - especially one who like to shoe shop.