So I'm publishing the program for our little church now. I've got 1 weeks experience under my belt. I'd like to say I was an amazing success. I'd like to say that, but it wouldn't be true. The program/newsletter thingy was fair to middlin', at best. I don't like doing that kind of work. It's embarrassing. Because, after all, it IS all about me, and how I feel, right?
I know I can do it well. It just wasn't. I wasn't. And that is humbling. I could make excuses like a sinus infection, and hormones and the kid's school stuff. But the bottom line is that I didn't live up to my own standards.
Anytime I do something new, try something I haven't done, I'm overcome with suffocating insecurity. It's a stiffiling shroud. I hate it. I fight it. And it remains.
But I'm not giving up. I will keep doing new things, keep serving, and keep putting myself "out there". I will likely fail at somethings, and I am very uncomfortable with failure. I will likely get hurt. I'm sure I'll disappoint people. I hate disappointing people.
I'll do it anyway, because the alternative is no alternative at all. To stop risking is to become stagnant, to atrophe. And that is not the life I want.
So here's to life. And here's to risk. And damn it all, that church newsletter is gonna be great one of these days. :)