Who wears the pants?

Caleb told me yesterday that if I ran for office I would only be vice president.

"Interesting," I said, "explain, please."

"Well, Dad would be the president.", he spouted, as if that was all the explanation needed.

So, apparently, Eddie wears the pants in our marriage.

At least, as far as Caleb is concerned.

Actually, we do a pretty nice tag team, and have worked out a division of labor that makes life happen around here. I don't ever feel bossed around, or relegated to steerage. The 1950's version of "wearing the pants" doesn't really resonate - at least not for our marriage.

If leadership meant anything like that I would probably dig in my heals a bit - or, um, a lot! As it stands leadership looks like Eddie creating a platform for me to shine. And I try to do the same for him - I try to create a place and opportunities for him to be his best. This works for us. And, if I can be so bold, I think this is how marriage SHOULD work.

Here is the other way Eddie leads: he protects me. Yeah...tones of 1950 with this one, but it's true, and subtle. Early on in our marriage Eddie discovered that I freak out about money, so he took over doing the bills. It had nothing to do with competence (okay, maybe a little to do with it ), rather he was protecting me from my own freak outs. I'm cool with it. In this sort of undefinable way he makes home safe. When Eddie traveled we felt it - the kids woke at night, and had bad dreams. I locked up at night - which apparently wasn't the same as dad doing it. Never once has Eddie gone after a bad guy at 2AM with a baseball bat, but just knowing that he would some how just makes it better. Plus, he squishes spiders, and that job was mine too, when he was gone. Call me Mrs. Cleaver, butI like these things. Safe feels nice.

So "who wears the pants?" has been a non-issue in our marriage.

But, here is where it gets weird, I have my own "leadership" gifts. I'm a good teacher. I'm a good visionary, and strategist. I can build concensus (just can't spell it), and can help build cohesive teams. Granted, I've been up to my eyeballs in motherhood most of my adult life, but when opportunities arise these are roles where i can succeed. In fact, I use these skills in how I mother our kids.

Unfortunately, I generally suck at crafting, hostessing, administration and the stuff that women are asked to do in church settings. If you need a pot-luck organized, I am most definitely NOT your girl. But if you are looking to develop short and long term goals for your children's ministry staff, I could probably help craft a document like that.

Eddie gets this about me. He uses it to our families benefit. Eddie doesn't ask me to be who I am not; he knows the girl he married.

The church, however, is another matter. We really like the new church we've found. But I feel awkward as a gangly 13 year old as we begin to look for places to serve in this new community. Churches, generally, don't know what to do with girls like me. I really want to serve, but I don't want to be conspicuous. I'm cool with brewing coffee, or helping out in the children's ministry, but I am good at other things too. Things that look like, ahhm, leadership. In our marriage, and in my life, leadership has never been equated with "throwing ones weight around" it's been about service; its been about creating a place for others to shine. So I don't really understand some churches' hang-ups with women in leadership roles, of course, women can and should influence a church culture. But some churches DO have issues with women in leadership. And we still haven't quite figured out where this new church stands. I don't want it to be a big deal. I don't have to be the "boss" to be a part of something. But a part of me wonders, "is this a safe place for me to do and be all that God has wired me to do and be?"

It's a weird tension.