I've got writers block. Nothing I have to say seems terribly interesting, plus the keyboard for my iPad is Downstairs. So it's bullet points to keep the family informed AGAIN.
-we went to the park to meet a homeschooling family for a play date. It was a blind date, and a success. Emma had a wonderful time with this familiy's 10 year old daughter. Caleb met Another little boy named Caleb. Ethan met two boys his age, and their I interest in Lego robotics rivaled his. Abby happily played with the girls or on the play set. It did my mother heart good.
-my injured foot is swollen again...very annoying....considering going to the doctor. Probably should have already....
- weather has been glorious here, I am loving it, and still I am so homesick for snow.
- and I wish they had a Tokyo Joes or Noodles here.
- our rental house in Westminster will need new renters come this spring. Any takers?
- our lemon tree produces the best and sweetest lemon. I'd like to make lemon curd but I know I would just eat it all on toast and with a latte. It would be a 10 pound bad decision.
I have 2 Facebook friends from the state I live in. This is progress..slow..but progress.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Update in Bullets
-Our (Colorado) house is under contract. This is good. 1 Rent plus 1 mortgage equals yuck! But seeing as one deal has fallen through already; I'll believe in closing the deal when we have a check in hand- a tiny, little, baby, the housing market sucks check. So much for the glory days of of real estate investment.
-The two middle kids are homeschooling. It's mostly great, and mostly efficient. Except for when it is uber crummy. Then I think I would move back to Colorado and live in a cardboard box, just to get my kids in a good school. But good is definitely out-weighing the bad, and we will likely school more kids at home next year. To have this choice is a b
-Eddie has been swimming again. And biking a little, and running a little.
-We have baby calves in the pasture. We're in a little town, minutes from a big big city. We have hills (if no mountains) and a bay. We have all the convinces of city life with the beauty and wildlife of rural living. We have horses and cows, and none of it to manage. I love this. It is crazy unmerited grace in the vortex of ordinary.
- I skoinked my right foot, ankle and knee but good today when I fell down the stairs carrying Abby. It was such a good reminder of what a difference a second an a few inches can make in a life. All is the illusion of control. And Motrin is good. And health insurance is good - though I'm hoping I don't have to use it.
-My dad is in Rwanda. I want to go too. I am happy here, content in these slow child-rearing days. But someday, when the season changes I'll have stamps in my passport too.
-The two middle kids are homeschooling. It's mostly great, and mostly efficient. Except for when it is uber crummy. Then I think I would move back to Colorado and live in a cardboard box, just to get my kids in a good school. But good is definitely out-weighing the bad, and we will likely school more kids at home next year. To have this choice is a b
-Eddie has been swimming again. And biking a little, and running a little.
-We have baby calves in the pasture. We're in a little town, minutes from a big big city. We have hills (if no mountains) and a bay. We have all the convinces of city life with the beauty and wildlife of rural living. We have horses and cows, and none of it to manage. I love this. It is crazy unmerited grace in the vortex of ordinary.
- I skoinked my right foot, ankle and knee but good today when I fell down the stairs carrying Abby. It was such a good reminder of what a difference a second an a few inches can make in a life. All is the illusion of control. And Motrin is good. And health insurance is good - though I'm hoping I don't have to use it.
-My dad is in Rwanda. I want to go too. I am happy here, content in these slow child-rearing days. But someday, when the season changes I'll have stamps in my passport too.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Pity Me, or Don't
We've had the stomach flu. I am an overachiever at the stomach flu. A champ.I won't go into details, but believe me here.
We're recovering. I'm recovering, but it's left me in an emotional funk. The emotional funk in the midst of sickness is not the time to evaluate ones life. But I was starting down a road of self pity.
See I've got 2 kids with dyslexic tendencies, and one with FASD, and then one who's just freaky smart. These kids, plus my temperament do not equal an easy match for public schools.
I was feeling rather grumpy about this.
But turn it around. I have the opportunity homeschool my kids in a way that is tailored to who they are. I have an opportunity to know and invest in them for who they are, and how they are wired. I have choices. This is a blessing. It is. No need for pity here...I have the choice to live this with joy, to the hilt, or to, NOT. And I get to pick.
We're recovering. I'm recovering, but it's left me in an emotional funk. The emotional funk in the midst of sickness is not the time to evaluate ones life. But I was starting down a road of self pity.
See I've got 2 kids with dyslexic tendencies, and one with FASD, and then one who's just freaky smart. These kids, plus my temperament do not equal an easy match for public schools.
I was feeling rather grumpy about this.
But turn it around. I have the opportunity homeschool my kids in a way that is tailored to who they are. I have an opportunity to know and invest in them for who they are, and how they are wired. I have choices. This is a blessing. It is. No need for pity here...I have the choice to live this with joy, to the hilt, or to, NOT. And I get to pick.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Who wears the pants?
Caleb told me yesterday that if I ran for office I would only be vice president.
"Interesting," I said, "explain, please."
"Well, Dad would be the president.", he spouted, as if that was all the explanation needed.
So, apparently, Eddie wears the pants in our marriage.
At least, as far as Caleb is concerned.
Actually, we do a pretty nice tag team, and have worked out a division of labor that makes life happen around here. I don't ever feel bossed around, or relegated to steerage. The 1950's version of "wearing the pants" doesn't really resonate - at least not for our marriage.
If leadership meant anything like that I would probably dig in my heals a bit - or, um, a lot! As it stands leadership looks like Eddie creating a platform for me to shine. And I try to do the same for him - I try to create a place and opportunities for him to be his best. This works for us. And, if I can be so bold, I think this is how marriage SHOULD work.
Here is the other way Eddie leads: he protects me. Yeah...tones of 1950 with this one, but it's true, and subtle. Early on in our marriage Eddie discovered that I freak out about money, so he took over doing the bills. It had nothing to do with competence (okay, maybe a little to do with it ), rather he was protecting me from my own freak outs. I'm cool with it. In this sort of undefinable way he makes home safe. When Eddie traveled we felt it - the kids woke at night, and had bad dreams. I locked up at night - which apparently wasn't the same as dad doing it. Never once has Eddie gone after a bad guy at 2AM with a baseball bat, but just knowing that he would some how just makes it better. Plus, he squishes spiders, and that job was mine too, when he was gone. Call me Mrs. Cleaver, butI like these things. Safe feels nice.
So "who wears the pants?" has been a non-issue in our marriage.
But, here is where it gets weird, I have my own "leadership" gifts. I'm a good teacher. I'm a good visionary, and strategist. I can build concensus (just can't spell it), and can help build cohesive teams. Granted, I've been up to my eyeballs in motherhood most of my adult life, but when opportunities arise these are roles where i can succeed. In fact, I use these skills in how I mother our kids.
Unfortunately, I generally suck at crafting, hostessing, administration and the stuff that women are asked to do in church settings. If you need a pot-luck organized, I am most definitely NOT your girl. But if you are looking to develop short and long term goals for your children's ministry staff, I could probably help craft a document like that.
Eddie gets this about me. He uses it to our families benefit. Eddie doesn't ask me to be who I am not; he knows the girl he married.
The church, however, is another matter. We really like the new church we've found. But I feel awkward as a gangly 13 year old as we begin to look for places to serve in this new community. Churches, generally, don't know what to do with girls like me. I really want to serve, but I don't want to be conspicuous. I'm cool with brewing coffee, or helping out in the children's ministry, but I am good at other things too. Things that look like, ahhm, leadership. In our marriage, and in my life, leadership has never been equated with "throwing ones weight around" it's been about service; its been about creating a place for others to shine. So I don't really understand some churches' hang-ups with women in leadership roles, of course, women can and should influence a church culture. But some churches DO have issues with women in leadership. And we still haven't quite figured out where this new church stands. I don't want it to be a big deal. I don't have to be the "boss" to be a part of something. But a part of me wonders, "is this a safe place for me to do and be all that God has wired me to do and be?"
It's a weird tension.
"Interesting," I said, "explain, please."
"Well, Dad would be the president.", he spouted, as if that was all the explanation needed.
So, apparently, Eddie wears the pants in our marriage.
At least, as far as Caleb is concerned.
Actually, we do a pretty nice tag team, and have worked out a division of labor that makes life happen around here. I don't ever feel bossed around, or relegated to steerage. The 1950's version of "wearing the pants" doesn't really resonate - at least not for our marriage.
If leadership meant anything like that I would probably dig in my heals a bit - or, um, a lot! As it stands leadership looks like Eddie creating a platform for me to shine. And I try to do the same for him - I try to create a place and opportunities for him to be his best. This works for us. And, if I can be so bold, I think this is how marriage SHOULD work.
Here is the other way Eddie leads: he protects me. Yeah...tones of 1950 with this one, but it's true, and subtle. Early on in our marriage Eddie discovered that I freak out about money, so he took over doing the bills. It had nothing to do with competence (okay, maybe a little to do with it ), rather he was protecting me from my own freak outs. I'm cool with it. In this sort of undefinable way he makes home safe. When Eddie traveled we felt it - the kids woke at night, and had bad dreams. I locked up at night - which apparently wasn't the same as dad doing it. Never once has Eddie gone after a bad guy at 2AM with a baseball bat, but just knowing that he would some how just makes it better. Plus, he squishes spiders, and that job was mine too, when he was gone. Call me Mrs. Cleaver, butI like these things. Safe feels nice.
So "who wears the pants?" has been a non-issue in our marriage.
But, here is where it gets weird, I have my own "leadership" gifts. I'm a good teacher. I'm a good visionary, and strategist. I can build concensus (just can't spell it), and can help build cohesive teams. Granted, I've been up to my eyeballs in motherhood most of my adult life, but when opportunities arise these are roles where i can succeed. In fact, I use these skills in how I mother our kids.
Unfortunately, I generally suck at crafting, hostessing, administration and the stuff that women are asked to do in church settings. If you need a pot-luck organized, I am most definitely NOT your girl. But if you are looking to develop short and long term goals for your children's ministry staff, I could probably help craft a document like that.
Eddie gets this about me. He uses it to our families benefit. Eddie doesn't ask me to be who I am not; he knows the girl he married.
The church, however, is another matter. We really like the new church we've found. But I feel awkward as a gangly 13 year old as we begin to look for places to serve in this new community. Churches, generally, don't know what to do with girls like me. I really want to serve, but I don't want to be conspicuous. I'm cool with brewing coffee, or helping out in the children's ministry, but I am good at other things too. Things that look like, ahhm, leadership. In our marriage, and in my life, leadership has never been equated with "throwing ones weight around" it's been about service; its been about creating a place for others to shine. So I don't really understand some churches' hang-ups with women in leadership roles, of course, women can and should influence a church culture. But some churches DO have issues with women in leadership. And we still haven't quite figured out where this new church stands. I don't want it to be a big deal. I don't have to be the "boss" to be a part of something. But a part of me wonders, "is this a safe place for me to do and be all that God has wired me to do and be?"
It's a weird tension.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
On Joy
I'm learning joy. I'm learning joy has to be learned.
Cultivated. Joy must be cultivated. And I wonder how I never knew this before, how it escaped me.
My fundamentalist background mandated that I should be "joyful always". And "joy" was a "should" that I always struggled with, because Depression and I have wrestled much of my adult life. As much as I wanted to dance with joy I wore cement boots. No one had good answers for that.
I'm good at martyrdom, and self-sacrifice. Co-dependence even? Eeesh, I hope I have outgrown that, but this is true:
I have not tilled the soil in my heart to make ready for joy. I have not scattered the types of seeds that could germinate into this joy-life that the Bible says is possible. I didn't know I could, or that I should, or how to even go about it.
I am a novice gardener, this is my first go at deliberately cultivating a joy-filled life., but here is what I am learning:
First, uproot the weeds.
-Joy isn't hedonistic.
-Experiencing joy isn't selfish.
-Value isn't determined by productivity.
-Comparison is a thief that steals joy. It must STOP!
-Hope in anything I can lose, is no hope at all.
Then cultivate a life where joy can grow:
-Develop the deliberate and intentional discipline of gratitude. For everything. In everything.
-Create beauty. See beauty. Hunt for it.
-Rest. Do the Sabbath. Every month, every week, every day I am responsible for carving out room for my soul to breathe, and be fed. I am responsible. I am not the passive victim to which life has happened. If life is mundane, and ugly I need to look carefully to see if I have made it so, or allowed it to be so.
-Long obedience demands that I carefully nurture my heart.
-Become a worshiper - not just on Sundays.
--I cannot offer life out of a vacuum. If I want to care for others, I need to run to the one who can fill my life with joy.
-The metric for success must be carefully aligned with true greatness. The first world has a very distorted view of greatness.
-Become okay with slow. What feels slow to me is probably just about right for my crew.
-Work hard. Choose to do it with a cheerful heart.
-Live out who God has made me to be.
Cultivated. Joy must be cultivated. And I wonder how I never knew this before, how it escaped me.
My fundamentalist background mandated that I should be "joyful always". And "joy" was a "should" that I always struggled with, because Depression and I have wrestled much of my adult life. As much as I wanted to dance with joy I wore cement boots. No one had good answers for that.
I'm good at martyrdom, and self-sacrifice. Co-dependence even? Eeesh, I hope I have outgrown that, but this is true:
I have not tilled the soil in my heart to make ready for joy. I have not scattered the types of seeds that could germinate into this joy-life that the Bible says is possible. I didn't know I could, or that I should, or how to even go about it.
I am a novice gardener, this is my first go at deliberately cultivating a joy-filled life., but here is what I am learning:
First, uproot the weeds.
-Joy isn't hedonistic.
-Experiencing joy isn't selfish.
-Value isn't determined by productivity.
-Comparison is a thief that steals joy. It must STOP!
-Hope in anything I can lose, is no hope at all.
Then cultivate a life where joy can grow:
-Develop the deliberate and intentional discipline of gratitude. For everything. In everything.
-Create beauty. See beauty. Hunt for it.
-Rest. Do the Sabbath. Every month, every week, every day I am responsible for carving out room for my soul to breathe, and be fed. I am responsible. I am not the passive victim to which life has happened. If life is mundane, and ugly I need to look carefully to see if I have made it so, or allowed it to be so.
-Long obedience demands that I carefully nurture my heart.
-Become a worshiper - not just on Sundays.
--I cannot offer life out of a vacuum. If I want to care for others, I need to run to the one who can fill my life with joy.
-The metric for success must be carefully aligned with true greatness. The first world has a very distorted view of greatness.
-Become okay with slow. What feels slow to me is probably just about right for my crew.
-Work hard. Choose to do it with a cheerful heart.
-Live out who God has made me to be.
On Joy
I'm learning joy. I'm learning joy has to be learned.
Cultivated. Joy must be cultivated. And I wonder how I never knew this before, how it escaped me.
My fundamentalist background mandated that I should be "joyful always". And "joy" was a "should" that I always struggled with, because Depression and I have wrestled much of my adult life. As much as I wanted to dance with joy I wore cement boots. No one had good answers for that.
I'm good at martyrdom, and self-sacrifice. Co-dependence even? Eeesh, I hope I have outgrown that, but this is true:
I have not tilled the soil in my heart to make ready for joy. I have not scattered the types of seeds that could germinate into this joy-life that the Bible says is possible. I didn't know I could, or that I should, or how to even go about it.
I am a novice gardener, this is my first go at deliberately cultivating a joy-filled life., but here is what I am learning:
First, uproot the weeds.
-Joy isn't hedonistic.
-Experiencing joy isn't selfish.
-Value isn't determined by productivity.
-Comparison is a thief that steals joy. It must STOP!
-Hope in anything I can lose, is no hope at all.
Then cultivate a life where joy can grow:
-Develop the deliberate and intentional discipline of gratitude. For everything. In everything.
-Create beauty. See beauty. Hunt for it.
-Rest. Do the Sabbath. Every month, every week, every day I am responsible for carving out room for my soul to breathe, and be fed. I am responsible. I am not the passive victim to which life has happened. If life is mundane, and ugly I need to look carefully to see if I have made it so, or allowed it to be so.
-Long obedience demands that I carefully nurture my heart.
-Become a worshiper - not just on Sundays.
--I cannot offer life out of a vacuum. If I want to care for others, I need to run to the one who can fill my life with joy.
-The metric for success must be carefully aligned with true greatness. The first world has a very distorted view of greatness.
-Become okay with slow. What feels slow to me is probably just about right for my crew.
-Work hard. Choose to do it with a cheerful heart.
-Live out who God has made me to be.
Cultivated. Joy must be cultivated. And I wonder how I never knew this before, how it escaped me.
My fundamentalist background mandated that I should be "joyful always". And "joy" was a "should" that I always struggled with, because Depression and I have wrestled much of my adult life. As much as I wanted to dance with joy I wore cement boots. No one had good answers for that.
I'm good at martyrdom, and self-sacrifice. Co-dependence even? Eeesh, I hope I have outgrown that, but this is true:
I have not tilled the soil in my heart to make ready for joy. I have not scattered the types of seeds that could germinate into this joy-life that the Bible says is possible. I didn't know I could, or that I should, or how to even go about it.
I am a novice gardener, this is my first go at deliberately cultivating a joy-filled life., but here is what I am learning:
First, uproot the weeds.
-Joy isn't hedonistic.
-Experiencing joy isn't selfish.
-Value isn't determined by productivity.
-Comparison is a thief that steals joy. It must STOP!
-Hope in anything I can lose, is no hope at all.
Then cultivate a life where joy can grow:
-Develop the deliberate and intentional discipline of gratitude. For everything. In everything.
-Create beauty. See beauty. Hunt for it.
-Rest. Do the Sabbath. Every month, every week, every day I am responsible for carving out room for my soul to breathe, and be fed. I am responsible. I am not the passive victim to which life has happened. If life is mundane, and ugly I need to look carefully to see if I have made it so, or allowed it to be so.
-Long obedience demands that I carefully nurture my heart.
-Become a worshiper - not just on Sundays.
--I cannot offer life out of a vacuum. If I want to care for others, I need to run to the one who can fill my life with joy.
-The metric for success must be carefully aligned with true greatness. The first world has a very distorted view of greatness.
-Become okay with slow. What feels slow to me is probably just about right for my crew.
-Work hard. Choose to do it with a cheerful heart.
-Live out who God has made me to be.
On Joy
I'm learning joy. I'm learning joy has to be learned.
Cultivated. Joy must be cultivated. And I wonder how I never knew this before, how it escaped me.
My fundamentalist background mandated that I should be "joyful always". And "joy" was a "should" that I always struggled with, because Depression and I have wrestled much of my adult life. As much as I wanted to dance with joy I wore cement boots. No one had good answers for that.
I'm good at martyrdom, and self-sacrifice. Co-dependence even? Eeesh, I hope I have outgrown that, but this is true:
I have not tilled the soil in my heart to make ready for joy. I have not scattered the types of seeds that could germinate into this joy-life that the Bible says is possible. I didn't know I could, or that I should, or how to even go about it.
I am a novice gardener, this is my first go at deliberately cultivating a joy-filled life., but here is what I am learning:
First, uproot the weeds.
-Joy isn't hedonistic.
-Experiencing joy isn't selfish.
-Value isn't determined by productivity.
-Comparison is a thief that steals joy. It must STOP!
-Hope in anything I can lose, is no hope at all.
Then cultivate a life where joy can grow:
-Develop the deliberate and intentional discipline of gratitude. For everything. In everything.
-Create beauty. See beauty. Hunt for it.
-Rest. Do the Sabbath. Every month, every week, every day I am responsible for carving out room for my soul to breathe, and be fed. I am responsible. I am not the passive victim to which life has happened. If life is mundane, and ugly I need to look carefully to see if I have made it so, or allowed it to be so.
-Long obedience demands that I carefully nurture my heart.
-Become a worshiper - not just on Sundays.
--I cannot offer life out of a vacuum. If I want to care for others, I need to run to the one who can fill my life with joy.
-The metric for success must be carefully aligned with true greatness. The first world has a very distorted view of greatness.
-Become okay with slow. What feels slow to me is probably just about right for my crew.
-Work hard. Choose to do it with a cheerful heart.
-Live out who God has made me to be.
Cultivated. Joy must be cultivated. And I wonder how I never knew this before, how it escaped me.
My fundamentalist background mandated that I should be "joyful always". And "joy" was a "should" that I always struggled with, because Depression and I have wrestled much of my adult life. As much as I wanted to dance with joy I wore cement boots. No one had good answers for that.
I'm good at martyrdom, and self-sacrifice. Co-dependence even? Eeesh, I hope I have outgrown that, but this is true:
I have not tilled the soil in my heart to make ready for joy. I have not scattered the types of seeds that could germinate into this joy-life that the Bible says is possible. I didn't know I could, or that I should, or how to even go about it.
I am a novice gardener, this is my first go at deliberately cultivating a joy-filled life., but here is what I am learning:
First, uproot the weeds.
-Joy isn't hedonistic.
-Experiencing joy isn't selfish.
-Value isn't determined by productivity.
-Comparison is a thief that steals joy. It must STOP!
-Hope in anything I can lose, is no hope at all.
Then cultivate a life where joy can grow:
-Develop the deliberate and intentional discipline of gratitude. For everything. In everything.
-Create beauty. See beauty. Hunt for it.
-Rest. Do the Sabbath. Every month, every week, every day I am responsible for carving out room for my soul to breathe, and be fed. I am responsible. I am not the passive victim to which life has happened. If life is mundane, and ugly I need to look carefully to see if I have made it so, or allowed it to be so.
-Long obedience demands that I carefully nurture my heart.
-Become a worshiper - not just on Sundays.
--I cannot offer life out of a vacuum. If I want to care for others, I need to run to the one who can fill my life with joy.
-The metric for success must be carefully aligned with true greatness. The first world has a very distorted view of greatness.
-Become okay with slow. What feels slow to me is probably just about right for my crew.
-Work hard. Choose to do it with a cheerful heart.
-Live out who God has made me to be.
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