Bottom line: parenting a child with invisible disabilities is humbling.
Case in point: Today.
Abby has been out of sorts lately, and what I mean by that is she is on a downhill slope of a FASD behavior roller-coaster. Difficulty regulating, difficulty sleeping, difficulty transitioning, low threshold for frustration, lots of oppositional behavior are par for the course in one of these down hill turns. (think 2 year old behavior out of a nearly 5 year old) Sometimes I think it's just about her being tired or getting sick; sometimes I cannot nail down one single solitary trigger that would account for the shift. It just is. Predictably unpredictable. And every time it takes me by surprise. When she's doing well, I come to expect it from her and I set aside some of my best therapeutic parenting techniques - then wham. I'm sitting dazed on my butt mumbling, "Oh, yeah, that's ARND behavior, I should have been prepared..."
The last few days have been rough...I recognized it for what it was...brain quirks and such.
Abby umm.... acted out at Caleb's swimming lessons today. It's not an ideal situation for her, and today she could. not. keep. it. together. I pulled out all of my best tricks to very little avail. The hollering, whining and crying were, shall we say, considerable. And I couldn't leave, and it sort of echoed like we were in the Grand Canyon. She appeared to be exceptionally bratty. And, well, she was....bratty, I mean. I can excuse it (or, at least, understand) when I remember to expect her to act half of her chronological age. I can expect it when I know that life feels like any itchy sweater, sleep deprivation and heavy metal with a hangover for Abby. I'd be cranky too.
But to everyone else? Just simple brattiness .
And it's humbling.
And I am reminded that I am more than the best behaviors, or worst behaviors of my children. Their success, or lack thereof, does not define me. I am my own and His, and what you see may not be the whole of it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Homeschooling:week 2
I remember why I love homeschooling.
We spent a half hour just watching a baby calf in the field, and rode bikes. We curled up on the couch reading a Fredrick Douglass biography. He read. He did his best and was proud of his work. He is learning. Quickly even. He may not be quite at grade level, according to "the district" , but he is dang close, even by their standards. Give him a month or two of fear- free, opportunity rich time and He will flourish. It's been so fun.
Remind me of this on the days when I hate homeschooling. They will come.
Emma is jealous. She wants to come home. Remind me that homeschooling one is not the same as homeschooling two, or three, or four. Pray for me as I wrestle with where my children should be next year. .
I remember why I love homeschooling.
We spent a half hour just watching a baby calf in the field, and rode bikes. We curled up on the couch reading a Fredrick Douglass biography. He read. He did his best and was proud of his work. He is learning. Quickly even. He may not be quite at grade level, according to "the district" , but he is dang close, even by their standards. Give him a month or two of fear- free, opportunity rich time and He will flourish. It's been so fun.
Remind me of this on the days when I hate homeschooling. They will come.
Emma is jealous. She wants to come home. Remind me that homeschooling one is not the same as homeschooling two, or three, or four. Pray for me as I wrestle with where my children should be next year. .
Friday, January 6, 2012
Slow is smooth and smooth is quick...
Eddie has a superintendent that was a marine - special forces. The guy has fascinating stories. Fascinating.
Yesterday, he told Eddie about a saying they have in the marines:
"Slow is smooth, and smooth is quick."
Those words have been rolling around in my head, buffing away at some of the jagged edges of half formulated thoughts. Think on it: slow is smooth and smooth is quick. It challenges the motion of our lives, the pace at which we measure our days. We think our motion is movement - productivity even. But maybe we're just gyrating to the rhythms of chaos. Maybe their is nothing quick about frantic.
Part my psychophrenia about education is because my core beliefs are really on the margins of the culture at large, and sometimes living on the margins feels uncomfortable. So, I move towards the mainstream, but I find that that is even more uncomfortable. How do I live with these beliefs, and the reality of their cost to my kids, and our family? How do they flesh out in the world outside of my head, and do I sometimes need to make concessions to reality, even as I hold on to the ideal? Hence, the phychophrenia.
I kinda think it wouldn't be that big of deal if we didn't teach kids to read until they were 8. Especially if they get to listen to stories like Charlotte's Web, and Mrs. Piggle Wiggle and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I'm pretty sure that kids can learn grammar sans worksheet, and that baking cookies and playing store are pretty damn good ways to learn math. I think map reading skills develop best on road trips. I'm pro childhood and long afternoons lived out in pretend worlds. It's slow. It's smooth. And could it be quick? What if slow is the ideal pace of childhood?
What if 1.5 hours of homework for a 4th grader is just dumb? Maybe she should be making friendship bracelets and lemonade?
I was looking at my 5th grade son's language arts review sheet and noticed he was being quizzed on the subjunctive tense. Seriously? I was an English major and I cannot remember what that is - nor do I care. I cannot fathom a world where any 5th grade child would be edified in the knowing. Does this improve his writing? His oral communication? His critical thinking, or appreciation of literature? Will it ever matter? Or is it more drill and kill, and crank the blank? I believe it is the later.
Gyrating to the rhythm of chaos.
What if language is the art of conversation and communication? What if we teach our kids to love the aesthetic of a well written verse, and what if they learn to wield the written word like a powerful tool? What if we, say, didn't do so many worksheets? And, well, spent some more time reading really good books, and writing?What if we honored the fact that a kid spending an afternoon learning HTML to recode his computer game is real learning, and mattered? What if it was more important that a science worksheet?
So public school fits me like a wools sweater two sizes too small. It makes me itchy. I take a deep breath and tell my self it WILL be okay; everyone is doing it . I try to cajole myself, to spin the benefits of sending my kids to the machine that cranks out kids with standardized skills. There IS a part of me that loves tab A, slot B, turn this, punch in that system. Its tidier, and more predictable. And I am not anti phonics, grammar, math or composition. They're important, and sometimes boring to learn. Kid's should still learn them anyway. And sometimes in a really systematic way. But still. Itchy.
Homeschool is messy, and frankly, in certain seasons, totally undoable in our life. Real life is where the ideal meets dirty dishes, flu symptoms, bills, and bad attitudes. And there is friction. Always friction. And I don't have answers . Not always. But...
slow is smooth and smooth is quick
And there must be a way to teach them that honors this truth.
Yesterday, he told Eddie about a saying they have in the marines:
"Slow is smooth, and smooth is quick."
Those words have been rolling around in my head, buffing away at some of the jagged edges of half formulated thoughts. Think on it: slow is smooth and smooth is quick. It challenges the motion of our lives, the pace at which we measure our days. We think our motion is movement - productivity even. But maybe we're just gyrating to the rhythms of chaos. Maybe their is nothing quick about frantic.
Part my psychophrenia about education is because my core beliefs are really on the margins of the culture at large, and sometimes living on the margins feels uncomfortable. So, I move towards the mainstream, but I find that that is even more uncomfortable. How do I live with these beliefs, and the reality of their cost to my kids, and our family? How do they flesh out in the world outside of my head, and do I sometimes need to make concessions to reality, even as I hold on to the ideal? Hence, the phychophrenia.
I kinda think it wouldn't be that big of deal if we didn't teach kids to read until they were 8. Especially if they get to listen to stories like Charlotte's Web, and Mrs. Piggle Wiggle and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I'm pretty sure that kids can learn grammar sans worksheet, and that baking cookies and playing store are pretty damn good ways to learn math. I think map reading skills develop best on road trips. I'm pro childhood and long afternoons lived out in pretend worlds. It's slow. It's smooth. And could it be quick? What if slow is the ideal pace of childhood?
What if 1.5 hours of homework for a 4th grader is just dumb? Maybe she should be making friendship bracelets and lemonade?
I was looking at my 5th grade son's language arts review sheet and noticed he was being quizzed on the subjunctive tense. Seriously? I was an English major and I cannot remember what that is - nor do I care. I cannot fathom a world where any 5th grade child would be edified in the knowing. Does this improve his writing? His oral communication? His critical thinking, or appreciation of literature? Will it ever matter? Or is it more drill and kill, and crank the blank? I believe it is the later.
Gyrating to the rhythm of chaos.
What if language is the art of conversation and communication? What if we teach our kids to love the aesthetic of a well written verse, and what if they learn to wield the written word like a powerful tool? What if we, say, didn't do so many worksheets? And, well, spent some more time reading really good books, and writing?What if we honored the fact that a kid spending an afternoon learning HTML to recode his computer game is real learning, and mattered? What if it was more important that a science worksheet?
So public school fits me like a wools sweater two sizes too small. It makes me itchy. I take a deep breath and tell my self it WILL be okay; everyone is doing it . I try to cajole myself, to spin the benefits of sending my kids to the machine that cranks out kids with standardized skills. There IS a part of me that loves tab A, slot B, turn this, punch in that system. Its tidier, and more predictable. And I am not anti phonics, grammar, math or composition. They're important, and sometimes boring to learn. Kid's should still learn them anyway. And sometimes in a really systematic way. But still. Itchy.
Homeschool is messy, and frankly, in certain seasons, totally undoable in our life. Real life is where the ideal meets dirty dishes, flu symptoms, bills, and bad attitudes. And there is friction. Always friction. And I don't have answers . Not always. But...
slow is smooth and smooth is quick
And there must be a way to teach them that honors this truth.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Double Minded...
I'm an options girl. I collect options like some people collect key chains or trinkets. I like making life a multiple choice test, but in the end I never like to choose one thing over an other. Options, wiggle room, and space to imagine are much more comfortable for me.
So we were pursuing an option for schooling Caleb via a home study charter school. Basically it homeschool with some funding and accountability provided by the lovely state of California. Caleb got in. I should be leaping and shouting for joy, but I am not. Because its decision time, and I like options. Choosing this route, necessitates that we do not continue to have him in public school. Obviously. And well, mostly, I don't like public school. But I do like some things about it. And Caleb wouldn't have those things anymore.
I am such a freaking opinionated perfectionist about schooling - I annoy myself with it sometimes. So here is, for all to see, my pro/con list.
PUBLIC SCHOOL
PROS
It wouldn't require change
All the kids would be doing the same thing
Caleb would be getting some reading supports he needs
Caleb would continue stay connected with friends he is making at school.
I get time to myself.
Eventually we could get some testing done - probably...
CONS
Caleb hates school - most days anyway
I have philosophical objections to some of publics schools practice - so its cognitive dissonance for me baby!
The after school homework craziness would still be craziness because Emma and Caleb both require lots of my help at a time of the day when they are already spent.
Caleb gets so anxious he doesn't sleep well when he knows he's going to school
Caleb doesn't eat at school
We wouldn't have time or money to get him into things like Karate, drama, or guitar - area's were he could really excel and shine
I don't have as much one on one time with my kids.
HOMESCHOOL CHARTER
PROS
We would have the money and time to get Caleb in Karate. drama or guitar
I could tailor the curriculum to meet Caleb's needs
We could get connected with some co-op homeschool families
I would have one on one time with Emma after school b/c would already be done for the day
Caleb would leave the anxiety of school, and hopefully he would eat and sleep better
We could still be meeting state standards and do testing via the charter
CONS
My alone time goes out the window.
Change
Leaving friends, missing field trips and class parties etc.
Possibly send the message to Caleb that he can quit hard things
The kids won't all be doing the same thing
Makes it more difficult for Caleb to get back into the elementary school again if we change our minds
So we were pursuing an option for schooling Caleb via a home study charter school. Basically it homeschool with some funding and accountability provided by the lovely state of California. Caleb got in. I should be leaping and shouting for joy, but I am not. Because its decision time, and I like options. Choosing this route, necessitates that we do not continue to have him in public school. Obviously. And well, mostly, I don't like public school. But I do like some things about it. And Caleb wouldn't have those things anymore.
I am such a freaking opinionated perfectionist about schooling - I annoy myself with it sometimes. So here is, for all to see, my pro/con list.
PUBLIC SCHOOL
PROS
It wouldn't require change
All the kids would be doing the same thing
Caleb would be getting some reading supports he needs
Caleb would continue stay connected with friends he is making at school.
I get time to myself.
Eventually we could get some testing done - probably...
CONS
Caleb hates school - most days anyway
I have philosophical objections to some of publics schools practice - so its cognitive dissonance for me baby!
The after school homework craziness would still be craziness because Emma and Caleb both require lots of my help at a time of the day when they are already spent.
Caleb gets so anxious he doesn't sleep well when he knows he's going to school
Caleb doesn't eat at school
We wouldn't have time or money to get him into things like Karate, drama, or guitar - area's were he could really excel and shine
I don't have as much one on one time with my kids.
HOMESCHOOL CHARTER
PROS
We would have the money and time to get Caleb in Karate. drama or guitar
I could tailor the curriculum to meet Caleb's needs
We could get connected with some co-op homeschool families
I would have one on one time with Emma after school b/c would already be done for the day
Caleb would leave the anxiety of school, and hopefully he would eat and sleep better
We could still be meeting state standards and do testing via the charter
CONS
My alone time goes out the window.
Change
Leaving friends, missing field trips and class parties etc.
Possibly send the message to Caleb that he can quit hard things
The kids won't all be doing the same thing
Makes it more difficult for Caleb to get back into the elementary school again if we change our minds
Monday, January 2, 2012
More
13. Hot pink sunrise
14. Lattes - plural
15. Decongestants and sleeping in
16. One last day of "vacation"
17. Snazzy high tech phone.
This morning, in just a few minutes, I will start the phone call making process to get my daughters insurance figured out and my sons school figured out-hopefully. I feel like it is me against two huge and enormous beauractatic machines. And if the gears catch just right then we are on our way....but if the wrong person answers the phone then our fate could be different. I am praying for the mighty hand of God to intervene on our behalf. If he hung the stars then certainly a little beauracracy cannot be too much for Him.
14. Lattes - plural
15. Decongestants and sleeping in
16. One last day of "vacation"
17. Snazzy high tech phone.
This morning, in just a few minutes, I will start the phone call making process to get my daughters insurance figured out and my sons school figured out-hopefully. I feel like it is me against two huge and enormous beauractatic machines. And if the gears catch just right then we are on our way....but if the wrong person answers the phone then our fate could be different. I am praying for the mighty hand of God to intervene on our behalf. If he hung the stars then certainly a little beauracracy cannot be too much for Him.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Count em
Blessings:
1. Free passes to six flags
2. A walk around the lake with my husband
3. Mascoto - my new favorite girly wine
4. Giggling kids playing UNO and Phase 10
5. Lemon tree, lavendar, rosemary,grapes and blackberries in my yard
6. Craft projects cluttering the table
7. Kids old enough to make their own breakfast - crepes even!
8. A trip to pacific grove
9. A large capacity washing machine
10.a sweet library with a great kids section
11. Enough cash to pay the overdue fines
12. Down comforter and old sweatshirts
1. Free passes to six flags
2. A walk around the lake with my husband
3. Mascoto - my new favorite girly wine
4. Giggling kids playing UNO and Phase 10
5. Lemon tree, lavendar, rosemary,grapes and blackberries in my yard
6. Craft projects cluttering the table
7. Kids old enough to make their own breakfast - crepes even!
8. A trip to pacific grove
9. A large capacity washing machine
10.a sweet library with a great kids section
11. Enough cash to pay the overdue fines
12. Down comforter and old sweatshirts
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