When "Hell NO!" becomes "Whatever..."

I'm clumsy at using foul language - embarrassingly, so. Eddie, who grew up swearing like a sailor, can cuss proficiently (It's like riding a bike, apparently). So, my husband finds it "cute" when I am trying to be vulgar. It's irritating.

Mostly, I don't mind being a crummy at potty talk. I have a big vocabulary, and it's never posed much of a hindrance. However, there has been a few times in my life when my "no" has really been "Hell, NO!" Often, it's while metaphorically shaking my fists at the Almighty when I feel like he might be leading me someplace I don't want to go.

There was (still are) a time when I was (am) quite comfortable applying Christian principles to life's decisions and calling it "good enough". Fidelity, responsibility, stewardship, respect, these are good things. They are comfortably "christian". Yet, my God was not content with this from me.

He wants it all.

He's jealous like that.

And so I say, "Hell, NO, I won't go."

I will not live the radical adventure.
I will not choose the costly.
I will not uproot my dreams, and allow you to plant a new vision.
"Hell, NO, I won't go."

Because You will wreck my life.

Wreck it.

But time and time again I have been wooed to the "whatever." I am overwhelmed by the tidal wave of YHWH. His Love. His immensity. And I find my "Hell,no.." becoming "whatever." As in: whatever you have for me, where ever you take me, when ever you say. Because, in the end, there is nothing else that matters.

And the great tidal wave of YHWH tears through my life, and wrecks it. Every. Single. Time. Decimation. And then he rebuilds a new plan, a new vision, a new hope.

I'm talking in obscurities. The nuts and bolts of it seem a little too real - too raw - to share here in Podunk, Cyberspace. But I feel my most recent "Hell, NO!" slipping. Hands clenched are loosening, the ash of me dusting. It's the fine mist of a life I cannot hold.

The new vision is fuzzy. Unclear.

But the "whatever" is looming.
Whatever it is.
Where ever you take me.
Whenever you say.
No matter the cost.