The ENOUGH

⁵ LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
⁶ The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
⁷ I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
⁸ I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithful^b]">[b] one see decay.
¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

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I'm always trying to get my littlest to eat real food; she would be content to drink only milk. Maybe, many decades ago, my mom struggled to get me to eat my dinner too. But I doubt it. I like food. I like to grow food. I like to prepare food. I like the smell, and feel of food. I especially like to eat it.

If I am not paying attention it's easy for me to eat too much. Sometimes, I think it's because I don't actually pay attention when I eat. I'm trying to grab a bite between the many tasks and people who compete for my attention. I consume, but I forget to savor. I hardly taste. And in the end I'm left craving, for I never tasted, never savored. Forgot to chew -nearly.

All this to say - food metaphors work for me.

"Lord, you are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure....You will fill me with joy in your presence."

So is God my enough? Does he alone sustain? Even when finances unravel and health is precarious, is he enough for me? When depression leaves me empty can He fill? More. Have I found joy in His presence. When a dream dies is He the bigger, greater vision. Have I stopped to taste and see that the Lord is, indeed, good. I know craving. I know longing for more. Have I even tried to find satisfaction in Him?

This sounds poetic. Because it is. But the truth of it is hard.

Because it might just mean that when I pray for the bonus, and clean bill of health I've got it wrong. When I pray for the easy and convenient I might have missed the point entirely.

He is the ENOUGH.

Really?

When a mother loses a child? Crushing depression? Divorce that ruptures a child's security? And for every abandoned child who finds a home many thousands languish.

Is He ENOUGH then? Is joy possible even in the darkest? Even when it all falls apart?

Sure. Sure. This world is not as it should be? And we can pray, should pray, "Thy Kingdom Come". We long for that which we were created? And God does heal; he does make right even in the now.

But not always. Not always.

And then He is the ENOUGH, the JOY that spits in face of circumstance.

Living Free

So I've been thinking...

Living free is a hard thing.
Like Lazarus, alive yet in grave clothes;
Gasping: That's me.
Tomb opened, the deep inhale, oxygen.
I am alive.
Because I do believe (want to believe):
He IS the Resurrection and the Life.

Yet I trip on the linens that mummify.
What's worse, I wrap myself in these death-clothes as if I were dressing for the senior prom. Vain in my religiosity.

Pride.
Insecurity.

(The same fabric really - woven in the belief that somehow it's all about me.)

Fear.
Shame.
Complaint.

And I am bound.
Saying yes, but living the no.

Holy God, FREE ME.

Teach me the language of liberation.
You, God Who Breathes Life,
Whisper your melody.
For I have been bound in grave-clothes

living pungent death.

If I reach out will your hand entwine?
Pull me near?

I've been thinking....

If my pulse could tangle in your heart...
If my breath was your last exhale...
So close to taste your sweetness...
Then. I could be free.

Phonics Song 2: It's stuck in my head

The latest in bullet points

• Abby stuck a pinto bean up her nose. It took an hour to convince her to blow it out. Otherwise we were headed to urgent care - for a pinto bean.
• I am sick. It sucks.
  
• The dog has developed the dangerous habit of hopping on the table after dinner to check out if there are leftovers worth scrounging. This is dangerous. Eddie is likely to kill the dog if she does it again.
• Abby gave herself a shiner. She was spinning around to make herself dizzy and plowed into the cabinet head first. It looks like we beat her. We did not.
• We ate leftovers for dinner. I'm afraid I'll be needing to cook in the near future.
• We watched our friends kids last night and today. They have four kids; doing the math that makes for 8 children. It was surprisingly easy.
• It, oddly, hurts my fingers to type
• I hate the flu.
  

Long Love

He's not my childhood sweetheart. Though, looking back, its seems we were both barely out of childhood. But I can relate to this post.

I know what she means.

Because while we've been at this for over a decade, and we've got four little people to prove it, I still feel a bit "twitterpated". Only better, deeper, more.

Gospel Truth

The gospel is the dynamic for all heart-change, life-change, and social-change. Change won't happen through "trying harder" but only through encountering with the radical grace of God.

-Tim Keller

Special Needs and Bazooka Bubble Gum

So kid number 4 has a challenges regulating, and transitioning. Sugar-free gum helps. I know it's weird, but it's true. I mentioned that gum theft had been on the rise in our house to our therapist, and she pointed out that chewing gum actually helps sensory seeking kids regulate.

So we bought lots of Trident.

Whatever works. And, oddly, gum does work.

Unfortunately, kid #1 recently purchased Sugar-FULL Bazooka bubble gum at the Dollar Store with Valentines Money. Now we've taught our older kids that if they really care about something it needs to stay somewhere unattainable to kid #4. We'd love to guarantee that personal belongings are shown respect in this household. We're working on it, but in the meantime, you better just hide the stuff you really like.

Bazooka Gum did not get hidden properly.

Now Abby-girl has an earlier bedtime the rest - it helps with our sanity. Unfortunately, she was in non-compliance mode. We put her to bed. She snuck out of her room and promptly proceeded to chew 20 or so pieces of Bazooka Sugar-FULL. Now, as your probably aware, most people cannot fit 20 pieces in their mouth simultaneously. This is the case with our small-boned 3 year old. So, being the clever problem solver that she is she chewed 10.

And then she stored those 10 in her HAIR while she then proceeded to chew the other 10.

Abby is sporting a new, and rather cute bob haircut today.

I just got the scissors and cut a chunk of hair out (it could be fixed later), then loaded kid #4 up on extra melatonin. (Melatonin is the herbal supplement that doubles as miracle drug for families parenting kids from hard places - WE ADORE IT.)

Now here's the weird part:

The consequence for blatant naughtiness was a cup of warm milk and these words, "That gum belongs to Ethan. It doesn't belong to you. And gum is not for bedtime."

Because I know she'll swipe stuff again. I know she will wander the house again when she is supposed to be sleeping. I know we won't take gum away from her. I know that stiff consequences won't fix a thing.

Sleep issues will be the norm.
Trouble understanding ownership will be the norm.
Impulse control trouble will be the norm.

In these early years it is Bazooka Sugar-FULL. NOT A BIG DEAL. And I pray that God will protect my child as the years progress, and weight of consequences are much larger than we can imagine.

So it's baby gates, better hiding places and more melatonin. It's prayer for wisdom.

This is so not how I would have parented #1,2 and 3. And it's impossible to know where to make allowances for brain differences and where to enforce tough consequences. We're winging it here.

So if you see as making weird parenting choices. Offer grace. It's possible you do not know the whole story. It's possible that it is not as simple as you perceive it to be. It's possible that in our shoes, you would be making the same decision, and praying for wisdom too.