Marriage

So we're in a small group that has been working through a book on marriage. A lot of the couples in our group have had, or are having, a bumpy go of it.

Eddie and aren't among them. Our marriage needs an occasional tune-up, but mostly its just pretty easy. That is not to say that our life together has been easy, but the actual relationship portion of things has been less difficult than what most people deal with.

So Eddie and I have been asking ourselves, "Why is it so easy for us when so many around us struggle." I guess that sounds arrogant, but it's a sincere question. Here's what we've come up with:

-Some of it's blind luck and grace.

-Most of it is having gone into marriage with an accurate perspective on what marriage is about, and how much it costs.

We got good council that went like this: "Marriage isn't about you're happiness, self-actualization, contentment or comfort. It's about you loving your spouse in a way helps him/her become his or her very best self. It will, more than likely, be uncomfortable for you and cost more than you can imagine right now.Sometimes to do this well you need need get some training. But people invest in the things they care about. If you care about your marriage you'll get smart about how to do it well. Learn to fight fair, and love well."

So, yeah, marriage is easy once you've resigned yourself to the fact that it isn't really about you at all. All of the sudden you discovered there isn't that much to fight about. You're too busy trying to do the best thing for the one you love.

NOTE: GIANT SIZED CAVEAT IS THAT THIS ONLY WORKS WHEN BOTH THE HUSBAND AND WIFE BUY IN. WHEN ONE OR THE OTHER OF THE PARTNERS IS BEING A SELFISH ASS, OR AN IDIOT DETERMINED TO STAY IDIOTIC - MARRIAGE JUST STINKS.

-And that is where the blind luck and grace comes in.  Neither Eddie or I have the misfortune of being married to a selfish idiot.

-Which is not to say, necessarily, that if your marriage is bumpy that there is a selfish ass in the equation. Sometimes its just hard, and the situations, history, and personalities involved create complexity that could never be easy or simple.  But even then it has the potential to be good. Just hard and good.

-For us to hand out marriage advice would be like those people with naturally compliant, bright and happy kids who look arrogantly out at the masses of less well behaved children and prescribe their dose of parenting wisdom.  Some of the best parents I know have the most challenging children.  And though it would be tidier to say that difficult kids are the result of sloppy parenting, sometimes it just isn't the case.

And so it goes with marriage.  Some wonderful people, who work hard to be unselfish, and become students of marriage...well sometimes their marriages are still challenging. 

Abby is so transparent. She takes what she wants. It seems like 100 times a day we ask, "Does that belong to you?" We expect an answer to the silly rhetorical question. And she delivers it with flair and volume, "But I want it!"

 But I want it: that which belongs to another. You'd think I'd have outgrown such childishness. In fact, I thought I had out grown it.

 Well mostly.

 Alas, I am a big baby. And I want that which doesn't belong to me. I look at others enrolling their kids in public school and think, "I wish it were that easy for us." I watch other moms drive off to work and think,"I wish I could hang out with grown ups." I see the tiny little sedans that fits one measly carseat and think, "Life is sure easier for those who have fewer kids."

I picked having a large family. I picked intentionally being home with my kids. I picked homeschool. Becuase I thought these were the best choices for our family.

I still think they are.  I like our life, until I begin to compare. Then I struggle some with discontent - which is basically wanting the someone else's life - which is childish. Which is humbling.

 So I am working on sinking deep into my life. the one God gave to me. I'm working on living fully the one life God has given to me and  I'm learning to be present in this season.

And when I do it well, I find I very much enjoy where I am, who I am, and this little tribe on the East Bay.

Ragged Edges of Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day. I got breakfast in bed (let it be known: the man can cook) and have a few minutes to myself this morning. Over the years Mother's Day has become increasingly important to me. Really, it's more important to me than my birthday. I guess so much of my headspace, time, and heart are devoted to my role as mother that it feels good to have what I do and am acknowledged. But Mother's Day is emotionally loaded... Today, is Abby's 5th birthday. We celebrated yesterday, and I could hardly believe in the remembering that the journey that brought her to us really began almost 7 years ago. How could that be? Adoption, Abby's adoption story, and our adoption journey continues to be one of the narratives that most profoundly effects my life and outlook. The story can be told from many perspectives, and the one that I am struck by today is that Abby turns 5 on Mother's Day, and somewhere back in Denver she has a birth mom that hasn't seen her since her day of birth. Of course, she couldn't, and can't parent. Yet, I wonder about her sometimes. I am so profoundly grateful for the opportunity to love our little girl, but Mother's Day has ragged edges for Abby's birth mom. I know it, and today in the joy there is just a little sad too. Also, I'm thinking of my mother-in-law, for whom I am profoundly grateful. I lucked out in the mother-in-law department and scored not only an amazing husband but a woman that kinda rocks as a grandma and is so easy and fun to be around. This Mother's Day must be hard for her, because her mom passed away. G.G. King was a sweetheart who has needed care nearly all of Eddie's life. For years - decades - my mother-in-law has mothered her mom. I am sure she is is sad. And how then does one shelf the confusing roll of daughter/mom she has handled with grace for so many years? Again, the ragged edges of motherhood... A country away my baby sister sits ripe to popping with a 4th child she will welcome and love with her whole heart, though this little guy was a surprise she hadn't planned for. And, only half a country away, my other sister juggles the complexity of being a full time mom and having a career in the grown-up world too. Motherhood, is not tidy; it is a complicated, heart-rending thing. My mom is far away today. She was a good mom, the kind that had warm cookies waiting when we got home from school. She was the mom that kept the kitchen stocked with teenage friendly food, and made our home a place our friends liked to hang out. Smart woman. She is far away today. My mom did the job of mothering well, and in doing so sort of worked herself out of a job. She is the one that taught me that being a mom is having your heart walk around outside your body ( and in my mother's case, having your heart walk around in 3 different states simultaneously). Her mother heart hasn't changed but the daily-ness of her roll has. That feels like the ragged edges of motherhood too. I read, just recently, a blog that said most poignantly what I am trying to say. The author described a piece of art that portrayed a mother and her ducklings in a nest. The tag line told the story of moms everywhere. "The mother duck lines her nest with down she has pulled from her own chest." Isn't that the way of it? Good moms line the nest with down that they have pulled out of the best of themselves. It's love this giving of the best. But , frankly, that momma duck had bald patches on her chest. And had she been human and on the shiny pages of a grocery store magazine, someone would surely have photoshopped the heck out of her. And so doing lost the beauty of story. The San Francisco Bay Area is a cosmopolitan region, and having four kids is like signing up to be the traveling exhibit of the freak show. The bald patches feel conspicuous here. I feel like Eve in the garden with not a shred to wear - naked with the vulnerability of motherhood. Who would have thought the simple act of lining a nest with down would feel so flagrantly counter-cultural? So this motherhood thing, it's more than a gig. It's a statement, and a quiet rebellion. Here's to bald patches and ragged edges!