This is my Portion

Yesterday, I went to the doctor to have my prescription for anti-depressants filled. So, I started counting back. Emma is nearly 10, and it was after her birth that I first went on anti-depressants. I rock post-partum depression, and am prone to depression even without the "post-partum" piece. It's been the better part of a decade then, that I've walked this path. I've not always been on medication but major stressors trigger a chain reaction in my head. Depressions hits and I don my cement boots, and I've not found any way to chip away at the cement except to pop a pill that the changes my neurochemistry. I'm okay with that.

For the last 3 years I've been on 1/4 of the recommended minimum dose of Wellbutrin for adults. It's a really, really small dose. One that, theoretically, shouldn't really have any effect at all. But it seems to help me.

Actually, I think I'm nearly at a season in life where I could be without medication. But I'm not ready to try life unmedicated until I my foot is better and I can run again. Excercise is part of my own anti-depression plan. So is sleep. And a healthy diet. And living in community. And no major stressors. When all of these are in play, I can make it without meds. And I'm learning that the discipline of gratitude may just be as good of an anti-depressant as any SSRI on the market. So me unmedicated, may be in in the near future.

This last ten years has been full of babies and toddlers, and sleepless nights. It's been a season of physical and emotional exhaustion. Which, obviously, would contribute to depression. But I think another thing that factors into my neurochemistry is how I sometimes wear my life like an itchy sweater. I am learning to accept where I am, to sink into it, and be present. I am a dreamer and idealist, and there are dishes to do. The mountain of laundry I face every week laughs at my lofty thoughts. So I am learning to be here. With the dishes. With the laundry. With these 4 and that sexy bald man. To mis-quote Anne Voscamp, "this vortex of ordinary can be inverted into a cathedral."

And that is what I meant to say, when I started talking about anti-depressants.

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup
you have made my lot secure
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

PS 16: 5-6